Friday joke thread

Teacher says to Billy...
If I gave you 2 rabbits, then another 2 and another 2 how many would you have?
7 says Billy
No no, listen carefully.
If I gave you TWO rabbits, then another TWO and another TWO, how many rabbits would you have?
SEVEN says Billy.
How about this if I gave you 2 apples then another two and two more how many apples would you have.
6 says Billy
Good says the teacher, so if I gave you two rabbits then another two and two more, how many rabbits have you got?
7 says Billy.
SEVEN?, where the hell do you get seven from?
Billy says, I've already got one at home!!😁
 
A bloke walks into a pub & sees a man sitting down having a pint with a dog by his side:
'Is your dog friendly mate ?'
'Sure is'
So the bloke goes over to stroke the dog who then proceeds to savage him.
'I thought you said your dog was friendly !!!!'
'He is, that's not my dog'.
 
I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and I noticed a burglar, sneaking through my next door neighbour's garden.

Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel. Astonished I got back into bed.

Donna, my lovely wife said, 'Mike you're shaking, what is it?'

“You'll never believe what I've just seen”, I said, “That bastard next door still has my shovel.”
 
Wizzerboy said:
I helped out a female neighbour the other day with a few odd jobs.
When I'd finished she said, "I could marry you".

I couldn't believe it!!
You do something nice to help someone out and they threaten to ruin your life😬
Click to expand...
👏👏👏
 
Went shopping at the supermarket yesterday. After I'd scanned and paid for my items, a recorded voice said:

"Thank you for shopping at Morrisons"

Went to the toilet on the way out. After I'd flushed, another recorded voice said:

"Thank you for sh****ng at Morrisons"

Great customer service!!!!!
 
Bloke staggers into hospital with concussion, multiple bruising, two black eyes and a 5 iron wrapped tightly round his throat.
Doctor says, what the hell happened to you!?!

Bloke says, well I was playing golf with my Mrs and she sliced her tee shot into the farmers field full of cows.
I found one stuck in a cows backside and said, "this looks like yours".

I don't remember much after that!!
 
Best jokes of this year's Edinburgh fringe

Top 10 jokes of the 2023 Fringe​

  1. I started dating a zookeeper, but it turned out he was a cheetah - Lorna Rose Treen
  2. The most British thing I've ever heard? A lady who said 'Well I'm sorry, but I don't apologise.' - Liz Guterbock
  3. Last year I had a great joke about inflation. But it's hardly worth it now - Amos Gill
  4. When women gossip we get called bitchy; but when men do it's called a podcast - Sikisa
  5. I thought I'd start off with a joke about The Titanic - just to break the ice - Masai Graham
  6. How do coeliac Germans greet each other? Gluten tag - Frank Lavender
  7. My friend got locked in a coffee place overnight. Now he only ever goes into Starbucks, not the rivals. He's Costa-phobic - Roger Swift
  8. I entered the 'How not to surrender' competition and I won hands down - Bennett Arron
  9. Nationwide must have looked pretty silly when they opened their first branch - William Stone
  10. My grandma describes herself as being in her "twilight years" which I love because they're great films - Daniel Foxx
 
Who's the coolest person in the hospital? The Ultrasound guy. And when he's on a day off? The hip replacement guy.

Guy get called to a Zoom meeting and his boss says, 'why are you always ill on workdays?'. 'It's my weekend immune system'.

The inventor of indigestion relief has died. Still can't believe Gav is gone.

All from 6Music as I wouldn't write that shit.
 
They've recently opened a Disneyland in Tokyo.

What a waste of time, there's no one tall enough to go on the rides!!!
 
Wizaard said:
Best jokes of this year's Edinburgh fringe

Top 10 jokes of the 2023 Fringe​

  1. I started dating a zookeeper, but it turned out he was a cheetah - Lorna Rose Treen
  2. The most British thing I've ever heard? A lady who said 'Well I'm sorry, but I don't apologise.' - Liz Guterbock
  3. Last year I had a great joke about inflation. But it's hardly worth it now - Amos Gill
  4. When women gossip we get called bitchy; but when men do it's called a podcast - Sikisa
  5. I thought I'd start off with a joke about The Titanic - just to break the ice - Masai Graham
  6. How do coeliac Germans greet each other? Gluten tag - Frank Lavender
  7. My friend got locked in a coffee place overnight. Now he only ever goes into Starbucks, not the rivals. He's Costa-phobic - Roger Swift
  8. I entered the 'How not to surrender' competition and I won hands down - Bennett Arron
  9. Nationwide must have looked pretty silly when they opened their first branch - William Stone
  10. My grandma describes herself as being in her "twilight years" which I love because they're great films - Daniel Foxx
Click to expand...
Number 2 is the only half decent joke on that list.
 
Man goes to the doctor with a bad throat. The doctor said go to the window and stick your tongue out as far as possible. Will this help you see what’s wrong he said not really I just hate the next door neighbor. Credit Tommy cooper
 
When I first got together with my wife, I asked if I was her only one.

She said yes, all the rest were 9's and 10's.
 
At a sportsman's dinner there was Joe Royle and Kenny Dalglish as guest speakers.
The compere asked Royle who the best reds player of all time was.
Oh well, in the 60's you had Hunt, StJohn, Callahan. In the 70's you had Keegan, Hughes, Smith. In the 80's you had Rush, obviously Kenny, Souness.
In fact there's so many it's hard to say really.
The compere asked Dalglish who the best blues player of all time was.
Without hesitation he replied, B B King.
 
My doctor told me I needed help because I'm a compulsive liar.

She then locked the door and gave me an amazing blow job😉
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top