😁Friday joke thread 😁

For some reason my wife has this ridiculous idea that I'm playing too much golf.
Actually it all came to a head at around 11.30 last night.
She suddenly shouted out, "Golf, golf, golf, that's all you ever bloody think about!"
I must admit, it scared the life out of me.
I mean, you don't expect to meet someone on the 15th green at that time of night!!
😉👍🏻
 
I went into a pub with Towser my dog on Tuesday
It was a new landlord and he said 'dogs aren't allowed'
I said 'but my dog is a talking dog'
'Go on then prove it' said the Landlord
I looked at my dog and said 'how do you smell?'
He said, 'Wif Wif Wif'.
So I said 'what do you call a woman in the Royal Airforce'?
He said 'Waf, Waf Waf'
I asked him how I was last night after a session at the pub
'Rough Rough Rough' came the reply
'Get out' said the landlord 'He's only barking'
On the way out Towser looked at me and said' sorry that is my fault, I should have said pissed as a fart'.
 
Saw this online…..

Rishi Sunak and Keir Starmer are on a plane. Sunak looked at Starmer, chuckled and said "You know, I could throw £1,000 out of the window right now and make somebody happy".
Starmer shrugged his shoulders and replied "I could throw twenty £50 notes out of the window and make twenty people happy". Hearing their exchange, the pilot said to his co-pilot "I could throw both of the twats out of the window, and make 64 million people very, very happy!"

The Pilot ain't wrong....👍😁
 
John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
‘I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?'
‘Yes, I do,' said Shawn
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and ....
'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn interrupted, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.' 'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?' Shawn's face turned red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'
‘She just died and left me everything.'
 
Chap walks into a chippy and sez to the bloke serving ' Give us two pounds worth of fuckin chips ' server says, you ignorant swine you don't order chips like that, come behind here and I'll show you how to order chips. Now, may I have two pounds worth of chips please. Fellah sez get fucked you wouldn't serve me
 
Had to leave my dog overnight at the vets, he got sick after swallowing some pound notes from my wallet, they said they'd call if there's any change.
 
American goes over to Ireland to golf.
He gets to one of the courses and asks any of the members if they'd like to play for $100.
No one would take him up on the offer but suggested Micky O'Neil would play him.
The American goes in the clubhouse and approaches Micky.
Hey buddy will you play me for $100?
I'll play you tomorrow at 9am but I may be half a hour late.
Sure enough 9am next morning Micky turns up and comprehensively beats the Yank with a set of RIGHT handed clubs.
You've gotta let me have double o quits says the Yank.
OK 9am tomorrow but I may be half a hour late.
9am on the dot Micky turns up next day and again beats the Yank this time with LEFT handed clubs.
Unbelievable says the Yank give me one more chance tomorrow but tell me,you've beaten me with right handed clubs AND left handed clubs, how so?
Well, says Micky, when I wake up I look at the wife in bed. If she's laid on her right I play right handed, if she's laid on her left I play left handed.
But what happens if she's laid on her back? asks the Yank.

Oh, then I'll be half a hour late!!😉😁👍🏻
 
I'm stocking the fridge with beers ready for the Euros.
I've got Moretti for when Italy play as it's Italian.
I've got Becks for when Germany play cause it's German.
I've got San Miguel for when Spain play because it's Spanish.
I've got Kronenberg for when France play as it's French
And I've got Carling in for when Scotland play because it's shit!!
 
"I was in a Chinese restaurant when a duck came up to me with a rose and said: 'Your eyes sparkle like the stars'.
So I said to the waiter: 'Excuse me, I ordered aromatic duck'
Went into the same restaurant and after the waiter had put the pot down in the middle of the table the lid kept lifting up and all you saw were two little eyes staring out.
This happened over and over again.
I called the waiter back and asked what the hell is going on here?
Sir, you did order the peeking duck!!!
 
A woman called the florist shop to complain.

She had just sent flowers to her daughter who had relocated her business because it was booming and needed to expand.

"I ordered these flowers for her," the woman said, "and what you delivered had on the card 'Our Deepest Sympathy.' What do you have to say?"

There was complete silence.

"Well???" she asked again.

"Sorry," the florist replied, "I was just thinking of the flowers we sent to the funeral home with the tag 'Best of Luck In Your New Location.'"
 
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Managers door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics, he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
I’m sorry, he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.
Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
 
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Managers door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics, he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
I’m sorry, he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.
Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
😁
 
Coppers 1980.......

Control come in...I've 4 drunk blokes scrapping in the Nags head. I'll smack em around with my truncheon, then send 'em home...over.

Coppers 2024.......

Control come in....I've a teenager here that's been offended by someone's opinion. I need back up to get the bloke with the opinion in the cells, then sort a safe space so the 'young adult' can have a good cry....over.
 
African guy walking along the Nile when suddenly he is taken by a huge Crocodile, swallowing him up to his chest so only his arms and head are visible.

At the same time a cruise boat is passing with two tourists on the upper deck. Seeing the commotion on the riverbank, the first tourist nudges his pal and says, 'look over there at that poser, he's only got a bloody Lacoste sleeping bag!'
 
I was absolutely convinced my wife was having an affair, She said I was paranoid but was happy to start afresh 350 miles away on the South Coast if it would make me happy. So we did, what a wonderful gesture, I should never have doubted her. We're so happy again and by an amazing stroke of luck we've managed to keep our old window cleaner.
 
On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. “OH, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".She smiles, and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why,? and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
 
I woke up this morning and when I went into the garden I noticed a bloody big gorilla on top of one of my trees.
Well, I rang Blackpool zoo and told them, they said we'll send the gorilla catcher round.
He turns up and when he gets out of his van he's got a dog a pair of handcuffs and a shot gun.
I asked him what he was going to do.
He said, I'll climb the tree and shake it vigorously, the gorilla should then drop out of the tree. The dog has been trained to bite the gorilla's knackers and he'll bite and squeeze em so badly that the gorilla will faint, that's when you slap the handcuffs on and we've got him.
I said , but you've bought a shotgun, what the hell's that for?
He said, if I fall out the tree before the gorilla shoot the bloody dog!!😁
 
The Scottish Football Association have announced that during the Euro 2024 championship they will be known as the Football Federation de Scotland, to give a more continental feel.

A spokesman said that the move from SFA to FFS more accurately reflects the current nature of Scottish football.
 
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I was recently asked what I think of England's chances in the UEFA Euros.

I said, "Their chances are just like when I take a beautiful woman home after drinking all night - I get to a semi and then flop."
 
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