😁Friday joke thread 😁

A penguin at Blackpool Zoo takes his car to a mechanic 'coz it's not running very well.

The mechanic tells the penguin he will look it over and find out what's wrong with it and tells the penguin to come back in about an hour.

The penguin agrees and waddles off down Waterloo Road to treat himself to an ice cream from Notrianni's while he's waiting.

He orders himself a Knickerbocker Glory and it's kind of messy to get down his neck 'coz he doesn't have any hands, but he does the best he can.

Anyway, he finally finishes his ice cream and goes back to the mechanic and asks him if he found the problem.

The mechanic says "I sure did, it looks like
you blew a seal".

The penguin wipes his mouth and replies "Oh no fuckin' way mate, that's just a little ice cream!"
 
I was in a busy pub and could feel what, even by my standards, would be a huge breaking of wind coming. The music was loud and I tried to match the farts to the beat to disguise it.
After a couple of songs I was happily settled into a rhythm when I noticed everyone in the pub staring at me. Then I remembered I had headphones on listening to the iPod.
 
Tesco, good, occasionally busy later. Sainsbury’s, moderate to good, rough in toilet roll aisle. Asda, light to moderate, heavy crowds by evening.M&S and Co-Op, fair.Waitrose, fair to moderate.Lidl, rough at first, easing later.And that’s the end of the Shopping Forecast.
 
There’s a chicken farm near us selling three legged chickens. I asked them what they tasted like? He answered “I’ve no idea as I’ve never managed to catch one yet” 😂 very old one😬
 
I was told by the Doctor that it was never too late to start exercising.

That's why I'm waiting till tomorrow.
 
Went to the Birmingham/Blackpool match the other day and got lost🤦
I was driving along and saw this young lad, I wound my car window down and asked, how do you get to St Andrews pal?

He said, my brother usually takes me!!🙄
 
You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands.
For instance, if they're around your throat she's probably very upset with you!!!
 
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. "Something from the Body Shop please," she replied.

Thankfully, there was just enough room under the tree for the front wing for a Mondeo.
 
Three ducks walk into a bar and the barman greets the first duck "Hello, what's your name, how are you and what would you like to drink?"

The duck responds "My name is Quack and I've had a wonderful day going in and out of puddles!"

So the barman gives the first duck his drink and says to the second duck "Hello, what's your name, how are you and what would you like to drink?"

The duck responds, "My name is Quack Quack and I've also had a wonderful day going in and out of puddles!"

The barman gives the second duck his drink and says to the third duck "Let me guess, your name is Quack Quack Quack and you've also had a wonderful day going in and out of puddles?"

The duck looks at him with a sad expression and says "No, my name is Puddles and I've had a fuckin' awful day!"

🦆🦆🦆
 
Two women on the way home from a night out need a wee, so stop in a church graveyard.

Having nothing to wipe with, one uses her panties then throws them away, while the other uses a ribbon off a nearby wreath.

The next morning, the husband of one rings the other and says 'What went on last night? My wife came home with no panties.'

'That's nothing, mine came home with a card in her butt crack saying 'With love from all at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you'.
 
Here you go for those who do not appreciate jokes aimed at the opposite sex, I, as a man, give you jokes about the male species.

How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
It depends how thinly you slice them.

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.

Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.

What's the difference between a man's wife and his girlfriend?
60 pounds.

What's the difference between a woman's husband and her boyfriend?
60 minutes.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them.

A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of orange. The barman says "still?" The man replies "well, I haven't changed my f***ing mind."

Why do doctors slap babies' bottoms as soon as they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

When is it much better to be a woman than a man?
When you are in the lavatory and the plane hits turbulence.

What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's got less far to go.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.

Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.

What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelit dinner?
When the power goes off.

What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.

How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.

What's a man's idea of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.

How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Spice Girls.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.

How does a man make sex more interesting?
He leaves town.

What's a man's idea of a perfect woman?
Three foot tall, large mouth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.

Why is a man like old age?
They both come too soon.

Can you imagine a world without men?
No crime, and lots of happy, fat women.

For a woman, marriage is more than just a word.
It's a sentence.

Why don't men make ice cubes?
They don't know the recipe.

What do you give a man who has everything?
Penicillin.

Why are men like toilets?
They're either vacant, engaged, or full of crap.

If a man and woman both jumped off a high building, who'd land first?
The woman. The man would get lost on the way.

What's a man's idea of a sophisticated cocktail?
A pint of beer with an olive in it.

Him: I can only cook two things - steak, and fried eggs.
Her: Which one's this?

There are two times in his life when a man doesn't understand women.
Before marriage, and after marriage.

Him: Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
Her: I would, but you're never there.

How do you stop a man getting into your home?
Replace the door locks by bra fastenings.

What's a man's idea of foreplay?
"You awake?"

Is he reliable?
Lets just say, whenever he wants me, there he is.

Where can you find a committed man?
In a mental institution.

Why do men put women on pedastals?
So they can look up their skirts.

How do you know when a man's had an orgasm?
He snores.

What's a sure sign a man will be unfaithful?
He has a penis.

Why are men like floor tiles?
If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them the rest of your life.

What does the smart guy do at the M&M factory?
Proof-read.

What's the quickest way of losing unwanted excess fat?
Divorce him.

What's the definition of a lazy man?
One who gets someone to read the DIY manual to him.

Why do most men have a beer belly?
So that his best friend has a roof over his head.

Why does a man like going to bed with two women?
So they'll have someone to talk to.

What does a man consider to be a seven-course meal?
A hot-dog and a six-pack of beer.

Why don't men know the meaning of fear?
They only know one four-letter word beginning with F.

Why do men only get half-hour lunch-breaks?
So their bosses won't need to re-train them.

Why do men like BMWs?
Because they can spell it.

When's the only time you can change a man?
When he's a baby.

Wife: I'd like to thank my husband for three wonderful years of marriage - 1982, 1984 and 1987.

How can you tell a man is thinking about sex?
He's breathing.

Man: Fancy a quickie?
Woman: As opposed to what?

What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum underneath.

What happened to the man who put odour-eaters in his shoes?
He disappeared.

What do you call a man who marries another man?
A priest.

How do you tell when a man is lying?
His lips move.

How do you tell an old man?
It's not hard.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilise one egg?
They don't stop and ask for directions.

What's most men's favourite hymn?
Oh come, oh come, Emanuelle.

How many men does it take to replace the toilet roll?
Don't know, it's never happened.

How do you bring a sparkle to a man's eyes?
Shine a torch in his ear.

HOPEFULLY THAT STRAIGHTENS THINGS UP FOR THOSE EASILY OFFENDED!
 
Curryman said:
Here you go for those who do not appreciate jokes aimed at the opposite sex, I, as a man, give you jokes about the male species.

How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
It depends how thinly you slice them.

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.

Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.

What's the difference between a man's wife and his girlfriend?
60 pounds.

What's the difference between a woman's husband and her boyfriend?
60 minutes.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them.

A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of orange. The barman says "still?" The man replies "well, I haven't changed my f***ing mind."

Why do doctors slap babies' bottoms as soon as they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

When is it much better to be a woman than a man?
When you are in the lavatory and the plane hits turbulence.

What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's got less far to go.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.

Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.

What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelit dinner?
When the power goes off.

What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.

How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.

What's a man's idea of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.

How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Spice Girls.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.

How does a man make sex more interesting?
He leaves town.

What's a man's idea of a perfect woman?
Three foot tall, large mouth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.

Why is a man like old age?
They both come too soon.

Can you imagine a world without men?
No crime, and lots of happy, fat women.

For a woman, marriage is more than just a word.
It's a sentence.

Why don't men make ice cubes?
They don't know the recipe.

What do you give a man who has everything?
Penicillin.

Why are men like toilets?
They're either vacant, engaged, or full of crap.

If a man and woman both jumped off a high building, who'd land first?
The woman. The man would get lost on the way.

What's a man's idea of a sophisticated cocktail?
A pint of beer with an olive in it.

Him: I can only cook two things - steak, and fried eggs.
Her: Which one's this?

There are two times in his life when a man doesn't understand women.
Before marriage, and after marriage.

Him: Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
Her: I would, but you're never there.

How do you stop a man getting into your home?
Replace the door locks by bra fastenings.

What's a man's idea of foreplay?
"You awake?"

Is he reliable?
Lets just say, whenever he wants me, there he is.

Where can you find a committed man?
In a mental institution.

Why do men put women on pedastals?
So they can look up their skirts.

How do you know when a man's had an orgasm?
He snores.

What's a sure sign a man will be unfaithful?
He has a penis.

Why are men like floor tiles?
If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them the rest of your life.

What does the smart guy do at the M&M factory?
Proof-read.

What's the quickest way of losing unwanted excess fat?
Divorce him.

What's the definition of a lazy man?
One who gets someone to read the DIY manual to him.

Why do most men have a beer belly?
So that his best friend has a roof over his head.

Why does a man like going to bed with two women?
So they'll have someone to talk to.

What does a man consider to be a seven-course meal?
A hot-dog and a six-pack of beer.

Why don't men know the meaning of fear?
They only know one four-letter word beginning with F.

Why do men only get half-hour lunch-breaks?
So their bosses won't need to re-train them.

Why do men like BMWs?
Because they can spell it.

When's the only time you can change a man?
When he's a baby.

Wife: I'd like to thank my husband for three wonderful years of marriage - 1982, 1984 and 1987.

How can you tell a man is thinking about sex?
He's breathing.

Man: Fancy a quickie?
Woman: As opposed to what?

What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum underneath.

What happened to the man who put odour-eaters in his shoes?
He disappeared.

What do you call a man who marries another man?
A priest.

How do you tell when a man is lying?
His lips move.

How do you tell an old man?
It's not hard.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilise one egg?
They don't stop and ask for directions.

What's most men's favourite hymn?
Oh come, oh come, Emanuelle.

How many men does it take to replace the toilet roll?
Don't know, it's never happened.

How do you bring a sparkle to a man's eyes?
Shine a torch in his ear.

HOPEFULLY THAT STRAIGHTENS THINGS UP FOR THOSE EASILY OFFENDED!
Click to expand...
Blimey, well done
 
I've taken both my boys to swimming lessons and sat by the pool for hours watching swimming galas.
Taken them to play football and rugby, watching them in the pouring rain in the process.
Took them to beavers, cubs and scouts spending fortunes on sleeping bags, uniforms, camping gear etc.

Luke Littlers Dad took him to the pub!!🎯
Let that sink in😉
 
People have been warned that anyone travelling in today's icy conditions should be prepared and take a blanket/sleeping bag, enough food for 24 hours, thick coat, hat and gloves, a drink, de icer, rock salt, a spare battery, jump leads and a petrol can.

I'll tell you, I look a right idiot on the bus!!🙄
 
I bought a wireless mouse from curry’s this morning, the guy told me to put my dongle into my laptop before I could connect the mouse. Well I didn’t even try, I mean, what a weirdo.
 
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