😁Friday joke thread 😁

My mate set me up with a hot blind date.

He said she will meet me outside the Winter Gardens at 6pm and, just to let me know, she IS expecting a baby.
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Update at 6.30pm:

I hope she gets here soon, I'm feeling REALLY awkward sitting here wearing only a bib and a nappy...
 
A father is sick of his son telling him untruths so buys a robot that slaps you if you tell a lie.
The following night at dinner, he asks his son Fred 'where were you last night?'
The son replies he was at the library, the robot slaps him.
'OK I was at my mates house watching a film'
'Was it a good one' the father asks, 'Yes it was Toy story' Fred is slapped again, 'OK it was a porn film' he says.
His dad , turning redder and redder looks him straight in the eyes and says 'Disgusting, at your age I didn't know what porn was' The robot slaps the father.
His wife sitting laughing says 'that serves you right, he's obviously your son' The Robot slaps his wife.
 
A young woman starts work as an assistant in the shop of a bakery and mistakenly wears a short skirt and thong.
The first customer of the day comes in and asks for a loaf of raisin bread.

The assistant duly obliges and climbs up the ladder to reach the bread, which is on the top shelf, giving the customer a view he wasn't expecting.

As she wraps the bread up he says sorry I had better take two loaves as we have a party this evening. The assistant duly obliges and once again climbs up the ladder to reach the bread giving the young man and another customer a view they enjoyed.

After half a day of climbing the ladder and suddenly realising what is going on she turns around to see a conglomeration of men all standing and ogling her. Furiously she realises her mistake and sees an old bloke in the middle of the men, Crossly she says I suppose yours is raisin as well.

The old guy smiles and says nearly, it's just quivering presently.
 
Sorry Wizz.....
I'm acting in the sweeper role this week, performing a valuable service for people who are short on time, and can't be bothered scrolling so far back.....!

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.... 😉
 
A friend sent me this :-

"Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little
to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works
well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from Sainsbury's"
 
April13th1970 said:
If I discovered a new animal I’d call it a Quorn to mess with vegetarians
Click to expand...
For me, as a vegetarian, you recall someone with similar compassion.

Their quote?

"The only good animal lies on a plate."

Friday Joke Thread?

"Evening Paulco. Blackpool for the playoffs."
 
An old mate of mine (no names no pack drill) once staggered into the A&E department at Blackpool Vic with severe concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asked him what happened.

"Well, it was like this" said mi mate...

"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when, at a difficult short par 3 hole, we both sliced our balls into a farmer's field full of grazing cows."

"So we went to look for our balls and, while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end - I walked over and lifted the tail and, sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt!"

"That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife..."

"Hey, this looks like yours!"
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"I don't remember much after that..."
 
I used to live in a haunted house, all the ghosts were skeletons I was safe enough in the living room but when it came to other places they often tried to scare me, fortunately they didn't have the guts though.
 
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