😁Friday joke thread 😁

Wizaard said:
I've been in Northumberland this week. We were watching a local man and woman swimming in Seahouses harbour.

She kept talking to him and smiling.

He said 'Are you flirting?'

She replied 'No, I've got one foot on the bottom'.
Click to expand...
That reminds me of a collision in Hull town centre. A van carrying Terrapins collided with a lorry load of Tortoises, it was a Turtle disaster.
 
Yorkshire bloke takes his terrier to the vets.
Vets asks what's wrong.
Bloke says it's swallowed a condom.
Oooh, that's a priority, it'll be a lengthy procedure, we'll ring you when it's done.
Bloke gets home and rings the vet immediately, you're OK pal take your time the Mrs has found another condom in the bedside cabinet!!
 
Met a gorgeous woman in a nightclub at the weekend.
She mentioned that she was 60 and I thought that if she had a daughter half as good looking as her she'd also be a stunner.

A while later she asked if I'd ever had a sportsman's double.
I replied I hadn't and what did it entail.
She replied it was a mother and daughter combo in a threesom.

Well we drank up, caught a taxi and went back to her house pronto.
As we walked into the house I couldn't contain my excitement when she suddenly shouted upstairs, Mum are you still awake!!!
 
Dave and Pete were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft engineers in Darwin, Australia .
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Pete says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Pete.
Pete says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'
Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Pete says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'
' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'
'Have you farted yet?'
'No.'
'Well, DON’T - 'cause I'm in New Zealand '
 
Wife says to her husband at breakfast, would you like a couple of pieces of toast and a coffee?
No thanks love, it's this viagra it's taken the edge of my appetite.
At lunch the wife says, would you like a nice bowl of soup with a couple of nice chunks of home made bread?
Nah love, it's the viagra!!
Dinner time comes and she asks, how about a nice t bone steak all the trimmings and a lovely glass of wine?
Not really pet, I've lost all my appetite with this viagra.
Wife says, well, will you get off me, I'm bloody starving!!!
 
Bloke who lost 3 fingers in an accident at works asks the Doctor "will i still be able to drive"
Doctor says "probably but i wouldn't count on it".
 
BREAKING NEWS: The CEO of IKEA has just been elected Prime Minister of Sweden.

The first thing he'll do is to assemble his cabinet, with the help of his deputy, Allen Key.
 
Apparently Indian fighter pilots have dropped 1000 onion bhajis and 500 vegetable pakoras on Pakistan......... they said that's just for starters.
 
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