😁Friday joke thread 😁

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I'll never forget how happy i was when I saw my wife walking down that aisle.
My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable.
It seemed to take forever but there she was stood next to me.
I gave her a cheeky wink and said, "get that trolley over here, there doing 3 cases of Stella for the price of 2!!"
 
Its the day of the insects Football Cup Final.
The earwigs versus the ants.The first half is boring and nothing much happened.
Three quarters into the second half and the earwig coach decides to send on one o' his subs.The only problem is its the smallest earwig in the team and they cannae find a shirt.Suddenly the kit earwig says,"There is a shirt that will fit him but its got the number 0 on the back will the referee accept it."
The manager knows he has no choice so he throws on the tiny earwig and in the last seconds the tiny earwig scores the winning goal.
What does the crowd sing as the earwigs lift the cup?
Earwig 0, Earwig 0, Earwig 0!!!!
 
Two little 7 year old boys having a wee against a bush.
One little lad says, your willy's different from mine, why's that?
Other lad says, it's because I'm Jewish.
Whats that mean then?
I've had a bit cut off the end.
When was that?
When I was 5 weeks old.
Did it hurt?
Did it hurt? I didn't walk for 15 months!!!
 
Three vampire brothers hold a competition...

The first brother who is the strongest. "Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood. "What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed. "You see that mansion over there?" "Yeah?" "Well, I went over there and sucked each and every last family member dry. They are all dead." "Wow!" his brothers say. "As expected, for you are the strongest."

The second brother to go is the oldest. "Watch and learn, boys," he says, and takes off even quicker, at 150 miles per hour. Five minutes later, he returns, both his mouth and his neck covered in blood. "What happened?!" His brothers exclaimed. "You see that village over there?" "Yeah?" They said. "Well I went over there and killed every last person in the entire village. There is not one left alive." "Wow!" his brothers say in awe. "As expected, for you are the oldest and have the most experience."

The third brother is the fastest. Not to be outdone, he says "Watch this, and don't blink or you might miss it." He flies off, faster than the rest of them, going at least 200mph. In only ten seconds, he returns. His entire mouth, nose, and neck are covered in so much blood, it stains the front of his shirt. "What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed. "You see that giant tree over there?" "…Yeah?" "Well I didn't…"
 
Last week I was on holiday in Whitby and there was a guy on his uppers selling shoes. I purchased a pair from him and now realise he must have been a drug dealer, as he obviously laced them with something. I know this because as soon as I wore them I started tripping.
 
Finn Russell visited a sports shop in Perth this morning and asked to buy a leotard.

The surprised shop assistant asked why he wanted one, Finn said that he really wanted to wear a leotard in tomorrow's rugby match.

The assistant told Finn that she was very sorry but she couldn't sell him one because they are only for dancing and gymnastics.

She emphasised the point by adding...

FFS Finn, surely you know that a leotard can't change its sports!?😱😜
 
The Police in Preston,who have been on the lookout for a bank robber, have found a body in cement at the bottom of the river. He was apparently a hardened criminal.
 
Curryman said:
Last week I was on holiday in Whitby and there was a guy on his uppers selling shoes. I purchased a pair from him and now realise he must have been a drug dealer, as he obviously laced them with something. I know this because as soon as I wore them I started tripping.
Click to expand...
I posted a variant on this last year😉🤣🤣
 
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