😁Friday joke thread 😁

My local club arranged a 50 seat luxury coach Mystery Tour the other day.
Just for fun we had a £5 "Guess the Destination" game...
The bloody driver won £250!!
 
ATG has reacted to the criticism on here and enrolled himself of a Positive Thinking Course.

I bumped into him as he came out and asked him how it had been.

'It was shit. I knew it would be'
 
Last night I was lying on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen...

"What would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said "Thankyou my darling, I'll have chicken please."

She replied "You're having tomato soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!"

😱😜
 
Keir Starmer falls into a river and is struggling to survive.
3 young lads dive in and together manage to get him out and safe.
Starmer is incredibly grateful and tells the lads they can have anything they want as a reward.
1st lad says , please can I have the new carbon frame racing bike?
Certainly.
2nd lad says, please can I have a new 120" wide screen tv with inbuilt sky glass?
Certainly.
3rd lad says, please can I have a brand new state of the art wheelchair.?
Starmer says, but you're not in the least disabled, why would you want one of those?
Lads says, because when my Dad finds out I've saved your life I'll bloody need one!!😉👍🏻
 
May be an image of text that says man sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with magazine. was that for? asked. was for the piece of paper your pocket with the name Laura Lou written she replied. weeks ago when went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one the horses bet bought you those flowers with the explained sorry, she said. known there was good explanation.' Three days later he was watching when walked and hit him in the head again, with frying pan, which knocked him cold. have asked, 'What that
 
When Harry Hedgehog was four months old and it was time for his first road safety lesson. In the middle of the night Mum and Dad Hedgehog took him to the nearby A6 between Preston and Chorley.
'OK,' said Dad Hedgehog, 'you are to walk across the road as quickly as you can all the time looking out for headlights.'
'What do I do if I see headlights?' inquired the young Harry.
'You sit perfectly still in the middle of the lane,' instructed Dad Hedgehog, while Mum Hedgehog nodded wisely. 'That way the wheels pass by on either side of you.'
Dad and Mum Hedgehog demonstrated this several times then told Harry it was his turn.
Nervously Harry scurried across the road. As he reached the far lane bright lines came rushing towards him. Harry did exactly as he was told and froze in the middle of the lane.
There came a screeching of brakes and a dreadful squelching noise.
'Blast!' exclaimed Dad Hedgehog loudly, 'when was the last time you saw a Reliant Robin on this road.'
 
Believe it or not...

Donkey's years ago I had a pet snail called Stanley.

When he passed his driving test a few months after his 18th birthday, I bought him a second-hand bog-standard Austin Mini so he could get around a bit quicker.

Now Stanley was well-happy with it for a couple of years, until the day he was out for a run round the Trough of Bowland and stopped to get petrol from his favourite Shell Garage at Singleton Crossroads.

That was where he saw a Ford Escort XR3i for the first time and had a quick chat with the young driver who said "I love my new XR3i, it goes like shit off a shovel, you should get one mate!"

So when Stanley gets home after his trip out he tells me all about it, he was so excited that he couldn't remember the young driver's name (Livingstone, I presume?) - anyway, Stanley's heart was set on an XR3i so I said I'd buy him one for his 21st birthday.

He said he wanted one in his favourite colour Tangerine, but wanted a big white letter 'S' painted on the bonnet, boot and each door.

I said that'll look absolutely brilliant in Tangerine🧡 but why do you want the white 'S' letters, is it because your name is Stanley?

Stanley replied...

"No, when I'm driving down the road I want everyone to say 'LOOK AT THAT S CAR GO!!'"
 
I thought my wife was cheating on me, late home every night for the last few months, smelling of aftershave and booze, so I thought I would trap her.

I put a note on her dressing table in the bedroom telling her I had gone ,but would come back for my things., and then hid myself under the bed.

Sure enough she was, as usual, late home and picked up the note I had written. Smiled and got her phone out.

'Guess what' she said, 'he's left me at last I'm a free woman, and will see you on about 15 minutes'.

My heart was broken, and I sobbed for a few minutes before getting out from under the bed.

As I re-appeared, I noticed a note next to mine, which said I've gone for some milk, next time don't leave your feet out at the bottom of the bed.
 
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