😁Friday joke thread 😁

An armed robber goes into a bank and threatens the staff who hand over £100,000 exactly as he demanded.

As he starts to make his way outside with his ill-gotten gains, he turns to a customer and asks him... "Did you see me rob the bank?"

The man said... "Yes I saw you!"

So he shot him dead from point-blank range!!😱

Then he turned to a man and his wife and asked the husband... "Did you see me rob the bank?"

The man said... "No I didn't see you, but my wife did!"😊

So he shot the wife!!😱

Life is full of opportunities, so seize them... 👍😜
 
Mrs Wizz told me I was tight and never do anything with her anymore so I took her out for tea and biscuits.
It was quite exciting really as she'd never given blood before!!
 
Men at 26 play football.
Men at 40 play tennis.
Men at 50 play billiards.
Men at 60 play golf.
Funny how the older they get… the smaller their balls become!
 
Me n the Mrs decided to spice things up a little and agreed to go to the pub separately to reenact our first date.
She walked into the pub and saw me sat alone at a table, she came over and asked me, "is this seat taken?"
I looked up and said, "you can piss off, I'm not falling for that again!!"
 
I met a woman in the pub the other night. Got chatting, bought her a drink, things were hotting up so I said let's go outside and French kiss!
She said sounds great but let's try a Belgian kiss. "What's that" I asked...
"Same as a French kiss" she said "just a bit more phlegm-ish"
 
Two young lads were sitting at the bar near me having a beer or three, one of 'em said to his mate "You look bloody knackered!"

His mate replied "I'm bloody exhausted, my girlfriend wants to make love all the time, three or four, sometimes even six times a bloody night!"

"She wakes me up at all hours and, although we love each other and she's really sweet, I just don't have a clue what to do!"

I had to interject with my age-old wisdom and told the young man to ...

"Just marry her, that'll put an end to all that fuckin' nonsense!"😱😜
 
I had a phone conversation today with a very nice young chap from Pakistan. This is how it went:
"Hello sir, how are you today?"
"I'm very well, thank you for asking. And how are you? And, more to the point, WHO are you?"
"Sir, my name is Sanjit, and I'm calling you from Microsoft".
"Microsoft, eh? Is that a city in Pakistan? How's the weather there today?"
" No, sir - MICROSOFT, the computer company. I'm calling to tell you that we have found a problem with your computer and -"
"REALLY?? Well, that's quite concerning......"
"Yes sir, it can become very serious indeed, but thankfully I will be able to fix it for you. Now, if you -"
"No, I meant it's very concerning because you see I don't HAVE a computer".
"You don't?"
"I don't".
"Ahh, it must be a problem on your laptop sir -"
"Don't have one".
"Ipad?"
"Nope".
"Tablet?"
"Nope, I have none of those things. As a matter of fact, I don't even have a telephone".
After a few seconds of silence he said "Ah, sir, you are lying to me now!"
I said "Well, you started it!!" and put the phone down.
 
15 years into my last marriage, wife asked me to describe her...

"ABCDEFGH" I answered.

"What does that mean?" she asked.

"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fashionable, Gorgeous, Hot" I answered.

"Really?" she said with a happy smile of relief.

"IJK" I retorted.

"And what does that mean?" she asked quizically.

(Can you guess or believe what I then said?)
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"I'm Just Kidding!" 😁😜
 
A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “If I show you a wild trick, will you give me a free drink?”

The bartender shrugs, “Sure, why not?”

The guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. Then out of the other pocket, he pulls a teeny-tiny piano.

The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and starts playing the blues like a rodent Ray Charles.

Stunned, the bartender pours him a free drink.

After finishing it, the guy says, “Now, if I show you an even better trick, do I drink free all night?”

“Buddy, if you can top that, you’re drinking on me till closing,” the bartender replies.

The man pulls the rat and piano out again, and this time reaches into his coat and pulls out… a small bullfrog

The frog clears his throat and starts belting out soulful blues lyrics. The rat’s playing, the frog’s singing — the bar is dead silent in awe.

Suddenly, a man rushes up and says, “I’ll give you £10,000 for that frog!”

The guy says, “Nope, not for sale.”

“£25,000!”

“Nope.”

“£50,000! Cash!”

“Deal.”

The bartender’s jaw drops. “Are you CRAZY? That frog was a gold mine! Why’d you sell him?”

The man smirks and says, “Relax. The frog can’t sing... the rat’s a ventriloquist.”
 
May be an image of 1 person, playing football, playing American football, grass and text that says We had a good team n on paper. Unfortunately the game was played on grass. Brian Clough
 
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