😁Friday joke thread 😁

Lad from Blackpool moves South and gets a trial at Harrods as a salesman.

At the end of the first day, the manager says 'How many sales did you make?'.

He replies 'One'.

The manager says, our staff normally do 20 to 30, that's terrible. How much was it for?

'£256,743.53p'

Wow, says the manager, what did you sell him?

'Well, I started with a small fish hook, which I followed up with a medium fish hook, followed by a fishing rod. I then asked him where he'd be fishing and he answered Brighton.

I said for sea fishing you'll need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and got him a boat and trailer. Because his car wouldn't be up to towing that, I managed to also sell him a 4 x 4 from the car department.

The manager is stunned and says, that is incredible sales technique.

That's not all, he replies. The bloke had come in for a box of tampons for his girlfriend. I said 'Well, that's your weekend gone, how about going fishing?'
 
An old mate of mine (no names no pack drill) once went out shopping for some 'protection' and discovered a new brand of "Olympic Condoms" ... well-impressed, he bought a pack.

On getting home, he announced to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic Condoms!" she blurted out "WTF makes them so fuckin' special?"

"There are three colours" he replied "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What colour are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.

"Gold of course" proudly answered my mate.

His wife responded wryly ...

"Why don't you wear Silver?"

"It would be nice if you came second for a change!"

😱
 
Sir Geoff Hurst was asked how he thought the England team of ’66 would fare against the Lionesses.
“I think we’d win 1–0,” he replied.
The reporter raised an eyebrow.
“Only 1–0?”
Geoff smiled.
“Well… there’s only me left now — and I’m 83.”
 
I see in America, a woman has had her 8 year child taken off her for injecting botox into her forehead ahead of beauty pageants.

The child didn't look surprised.
 
Two Irish lads are strolling down a street in Liverpool, England, when they spot a shop window that reads:
Suits £10, Jackets £7.50, Trousers and Dresses £5.00.
One turns to the other and says,
"Would ya look at those feckin' prices? We could buy a boatload, haul it back to Ireland, and make a fortune — double, maybe even treble the money!"
The other lad says,
"That’s a grand idea, but d’ya think they’ll sell to us if they know we’re Irish?"
The first lad grins and says,
"Don’t worry, I’ve got this," and walks in, putting on his finest English accent:
"Good afternoon! I'd like twenty suits, thirty jackets, fifty pairs of trousers, and twenty-five dresses, please."
The shop assistant squints and says,
"You’re Irish, aren’t you?"
The lad replies,
"Ah feck, how’d ya guess?"
The assistant smiles and says,
"This is a dry cleaners."
 
Not a joke but a request. I am trying to find the picture of a man and his wife driving down a perfectly straight road and being behind a lady cyclist wearing a thong. The husband saying "Sorry dear but its not safe to pass yet"
A mate just got done £95 for not leaving enough space when overtaking a cyclist so thought he would appreciate the above.
 
Have you noticed that people mostly put congrats in cards.
It's only because they don't know how to spell congajulashiuns!!
 
Wizaard said:
Lad from Blackpool moves South and gets a trial at Harrods as a salesman.

At the end of the first day, the manager says 'How many sales did you make?'.

He replies 'One'.

The manager says, our staff normally do 20 to 30, that's terrible. How much was it for?

'£256,743.53p'

Wow, says the manager, what did you sell him?

'Well, I started with a small fish hook, which I followed up with a medium fish hook, followed by a fishing rod. I then asked him where he'd be fishing and he answered Brighton.

I said for sea fishing you'll need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and got him a boat and trailer. Because his car wouldn't be up to towing that, I managed to also sell him a 4 x 4 from the car department.

The manager is stunned and says, that is incredible sales technique.

That's not all, he replies. The bloke had come in for a box of tampons for his girlfriend. I said 'Well, that's your weekend gone, how about going fishing?'
Click to expand...
 
Paddy says to Mick I've found a pen, is it yours?
Mick says give it here and starts to scribble on a notepad.
It is indeed mine says Mick.
How do you know? says Paddy.
It's obvious says Mick, that's my handwriting!!
 
I ended up going back to one of the funfair girls caravans, we had a full on night of passion.
It must have been really good as when we'd finished she pointed to the end of the caravan and said you can pick any soft toy from the top shelf!!
 
An American and a Russian are arguing about which country has more freedom. The American says, “I can walk right up to the White House and shout 'Down with Donald Trump!' and nothing bad will happen to me.”

The Russian replies, “Guess what? I can walk in front of Kremlin and shout 'Down with Donald Trump!' and nothing will happen to me either.”
 
Wife went out yesterday morning saying she had a couple of appointments to attend to.

She came home at tea-time and told me to sit down as she had some bad news.

"What is it?" I asked.

"The gynecologist said that we can't do it for about two months" she answered with a stupid smirk on her face.

"So what did the fuckin' dentist have to say then?" I asked, whilst PMSL...😜
 
I was stopped by the police around 2am this morning, the officer asked me where I was going at that time.

I told him that I was on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as the dangers of smoking and staying out late.

The officer replied... "Oh really, and who is giving that lecture at this time of the night?!"

"My wife" I answered...😱
 
Things have drastically changed since I was a lad.

A Pussy, was the neighbours cat,
69, was a Bingo call, any way up,
A shag,was a kind of bird,
Cream Pie, was something we had for dinner on a Sunday,
Body Count, was used after an explosion to find the dead,
Snowballing, was looked forward to when it snowed,
Grinding, was what the local knife sharpener did.

Now I have to be careful when speaking to anyone in case I say the wrong thing!
 
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