😁Friday joke thread 😁

Young lad gets home rather late from college and his Dad asks where he's been.
Oh, I've been studying with Jessica, the lad replied.
It's turned 7pm what the hell were you studying!!
Really important stuff Dad, stop asking questions, those snacks look good that Mom has made can I have one?
Go ahead.
These are really nice fishcakes.
Go and wash your hands son, they're donuts!!😏
 
Mother Superior wanted to remodel the lobby of the convent, so she ordered materials for the project and assigned four nuns to do the work.

The nuns gutted out the lobby for painting but quickly got too hot. They didn't want to get paint on their habits and were already sweating so they decided to do the work in the nude.

They stripped out of their clothing and began painting in the nude, then they heard a knock on the door.

They looked at each other stunned, not wanting to open the door while naked...

"Who is it?" one of them asked.

"Blind man" came a reply from the other side of the door.

The nuns reasoned that there would be no harm in opening the door for a blind man, so they opened the door.

The man stood there holding a long narrow cardboard box and said...

"Nice tits ladies, which one of you ordered these blinds?"
 
I've accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles.
The doctor has told me that over the next few days I should have constant vowel movements but to be careful as my next visit to the toilet could spell disaster!!
 
A priest wakes up one Sunday morning to find that its perfect golfing weather. After weeks of rain and high winds, the sky is clear, and there is only a slight breeze in the air. But he can't go golfing. He has a church service. On a whim, he decides to play hooky. He phones the other priest in the parish and asks him to perform the service as he is feeling under the weather. He waits until he hears the church bells, then sneaks out to the local golf course. No one will see him. Everyone is in the church.

Unknown to him, his actions are seen by God and St Peter. St Peter is visibly upset, and asks God what he is going to do about such a disrespectful act. God just looks down, a faint smile on his face. The priest tees off at the first hole. The shot is perfect, a hole in one. The priest can't believe his luck. He fetches his ball, walks to the second tee. Another hole in one. The ball barely touched the sides.

St Peter looks at God. 'I saw that. The way the breeze changed at the last minute. This is your doing.'

God says nothing, patiently waiting for the visibly exited Priest to tee off again. This time, the ball overshoot, flies into the trees, hits a branch, and rebounds. It lands on the green and rolls to the hole in a smooth curve. Circles the edge of the hole. Rolls away, up a slight incline, slows, then rolls back. Into the hole.

St Peter, quite confused, looks at God. 'What are you doing? He is having the perfect golf game thanks to you. He should be punished. Not rewarded.'

As the priest readies to tee off again, God says. 'Two things. Who is he going to tell? And if he does, who will believe him?'
 
Born_in_the_Fifties said:
Mother Superior wanted to remodel the lobby of the convent, so she ordered materials for the project and assigned four nuns to do the work.

The nuns gutted out the lobby for painting but quickly got too hot. They didn't want to get paint on their habits and were already sweating so they decided to do the work in the nude.

They stripped out of their clothing and began painting in the nude, then they heard a knock on the door.

They looked at each other stunned, not wanting to open the door while naked...

"Who is it?" one of them asked.

"Blind man" came a reply from the other side of the door.

The nuns reasoned that there would be no harm in opening the door for a blind man, so they opened the door.

The man stood there holding a long narrow cardboard box and said...

"Nice tits ladies, which one of you ordered these blinds?"
Click to expand...
Straight from The Vicar of Dibley that one. The blind man that is.
 
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A Blackpool fan, a Preston fan and a Nigerian gentleman are in the maternity ward waiting room at BVH.

A nurse comes in and says... "Gentlemen, I'm so sorry but there's been a mix-up with the babies, could you please help sort it out?"

She takes them through to the nursery and shows them two white babies and one black baby.

The Blackpool fan immediately picks up the black baby and starts walking off...

"Hey man, what the hell are you doing?!" exclaimed the Nigerian gentleman.

"I'm sorry mate, but one of the other two babies was fathered by a Preston fan and I just can't take that fuckin' chance!" replied the Blackpool fan...🧡
 
May be an image of text that says PUB RULES FOR ANSWERING GIRLFRIENDS He's just left £1.50 He hasn't been in all night €3.00 Not seen him in weeks €5.00 He never comes in anymore €7.50
 
Me and the Mrs went into the attic last night to sort the Xmas decorations out for this year and we came across a gift from last year that we'd forgotten to give the kids!!!

They'd have loved that kitten.
 
A man goes to see his Doctor...

"Doctor" he says, "I can't understand it but, whenever I have sex with my wife, the first time we make love I'm absolutely freezing cold but then, the second time I'm boiling hot and can't stop sweating."

"Strange" says the Doctor, "I've never heard of a case like this before. The first time you make love you're freezing cold and the second time, you're boiling hot?"

"That's right Doctor!"

"Well we'd better examine you" says the Doctor, who carries out a full examination but can find nothing wrong with the man.

"Very strange!" says the doctor "Is your wife here with you?"

"Yes, she's in the waiting room."

"Ok, let me talk with her."

So, the man's wife comes into the surgery...

"Good day, madam. Your husband tells me that when you have sex, the first time he makes love to you he's freezing cold and the second time he's boiling hot!"

"Can you explain this strange phenomenon?"

"Yes" says the wife.

"You can! Then why is it?"

"Because the first time is in January and the second time is in August."👍😁
 
A Cab picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you"

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a ho*oker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.
 
A man goes to church to confess to a priest.

He says "Forgive me father for I have sinned, I have stolen a TV."

"Should I give it to you?" asks the man.

"No my son, you should give it to its owner."

The man said "I have tried, but he does not want it!"

The priest replied "In that case you can keep it."

When the priest goes home after finishing his shift, he finds his TV missing...
 
A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another order at a table a few paces away) suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
 
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