😁Friday joke thread 😁

One day while doing door-to-door market research, a young man knocks on a door and is greeted by the most beautiful young housewife he has ever seen.

"Hello," he starts, "I'm doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"

"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers.

The researcher, going red, is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"

"Of course I can" she says, "we put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get in."
 
Wizzerboy said:
Went into the same restaurant and after the waiter had put the pot down in the middle of the table the lid kept lifting up and all you saw were two little eyes staring out.
This happened over and over again.
I called the waiter back and asked what the hell is going on here?
Sir, you did order the peeking duck!!!
Click to expand...
Went into the same Chinese restaurant , there was a bell on the counter, it said press for service. I pressed it and a tennis ball hit me in the face. I said to the waiter Oi. You , he replied how you know my name ? I said this chicken is rubbery , waiter replied “thank you very much much “ .
 
Moggys Den said:
Went into the same Chinese restaurant , there was a bell on the counter, it said press for service. I pressed it and a tennis ball hit me in the face. I said to the waiter Oi. You , he replied how you know my name ? I said this chicken is rubbery , waiter replied “thank you very much much “ .
Click to expand...
😉👍🏻
 
A young couple playing golf at Royal Lytham and St Annes.
The woman sliced one of her tee shots and ended up smashing one of the windows of a neighbouring house.
She was full of remorse and said to her partner they'd have to go round to apologise and offer to pay for the damages.
When they got to the house a very old man answered. When they told him it was they that smashed the window he smiled. Confused, the couple asked him why.
Oh, I'm a genie and the golf ball smashed through the window and into my lamp beckoning my presence.
I will now offer you a wish each and keep one back for myself.
The bloke wishes for £1,000,000 a month for the rest of his life.
Done.
And you my dear?
I want a house in every country in the world.
Done.
And you genie, what would you wish for?
Well, being a genie I've been trapped in my lamp for many centuries and making love to a beautiful woman is very rare, I'd love to spend this afternoon with you my dear.
The couple look at each other and decide that's not a big price to pay. The woman goes upstairs whilst her partner goes back to the clubhouse to wait her return.

After 5 hours of hot passionate sex they finished and were getting dressed when she was asked how she felt.
The sex was fantastic she said but having said that it's not every day you make love to a genie.

He sat on the bed and asked how old she and her partner was.
I'm 35 my partner is 38.

Laughing and shaking his head he said, you are both well into your 30's and still believe in Genies😂😂😂
 
May be an image of text that says since leaving buckingham palace life is taking its toll
 
A fellow goes to the Burnley Dole office for his annual benefits review

One of the first questions relates to the makeup of his household. Realising that the man doesn't understand the question the interviewer rephrases - "who do you live with" he asks

"Oh"replies the man, "I live with my wife sister and drinking partner"

"So that means there are four of you in the household" says the clearly frustrated benefits advisor

"No" replies the Dingle "just the two of us"
 
"My wife died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her."
 
There was a boy named Heinie Hinkelheimer who earned the rank of Eagle Scout not once but twice, the only person in the world to do so. His fame spread and everyone knew him as Heinie Hinkelheimer, The Double Eagle Scout Who Is So Used to Hardships because he could prevail over any task given him.

One day Heinie Hinkelheimer realized that he had done everything there was to do in the world except one thing: swim the Atlantic. So he went to a pier and announced, “I will swim across the Atlantic. This I can do this because my name is Heinie Hinkelheimer, The Double Eagle Scout, and I am used to hardships. I can take it!”

He saluted the crowd, dove into the water and began to swim across the ocean. After swimming for three days he began to get hungry. He spied a boat and the captain of the boat called out, “Heinie Hinkelheimer, The Double Eagle Scout Who Is So Used to Hardships, won’t you come aboard my boat and have something to eat?” But Heinie Hinkelheimer said, “No! I am Heinie Hinkelheimer, The Double Eagle Scout, and I am used to hardships. I can take it!” So he swam on.

He swam another day and now he was getting tired. He spied another boat and the captain called out, “Heinie Hinkelheimer, The Double Eagle Scout, Who is So Used to Hardships, won’t you come aboard my boat and rest a while?” Heinie Hinkelheimer looked up and said, “No! I am Heinie Hinkelheimer, The Double Eagle Scout, and I am used to hardships. I can take it!” So on he went.

He swam one more day and now he was really getting hungry and tired. He spied a slow-moving boat with no captain visible and thought he would do something he’d never done before: he would cheat. He climbed aboard and hid below deck to rest and find something to eat. Before long the captain found him and exclaimed, “Heinie Hinkelheimer, The Double Eagle Scout Who Is So Used to Hardships, what are you doing aboard my boat?”

A shaken Heinie Hinkelheimer replied, “I was so hungry and so tired I just had to come aboard to eat and rest awhile.”

In a grave tone the captain said, “Heinie Hinkelheimer, I’m afraid you will have to pay the Supreme Penalty!”

“No, no, not the Supreme Penalty!”

“Yes, the Supreme Penalty,” said the captain as he reached out to grab him.

But before the captain could lay his hands on him, Heinie escaped up the stairs and ran around the deck as fast as he could. The captain sped after him and nearly caught up with Heinie Hinkelheimer who was exhausted from the swim. Just before the captain grabbed him Heinie Hinkelheimer climbed up the mast. At the top of the mast he looked down at the captain climbing towards him and cried, “Captain, if you come one step closer I will jump!”

But the captain kept on coming so Heinie Hinkelheimer, the Double Eagle Scout, jumped and landed on the deck with an astounding thud.

But that didn’t hurt Heinie Hinkelheimer because he was used to hard ships.

Boom Boom.
 
Curryman said:
There was a boy named Heinie Hinkelheimer who earned the rank of Eagle Scout not once but twice, the only person in the world to do so. His fame spread and everyone knew him as Heinie Hinkelheimer, The Double Eagle Scout Who Is So Used to Hardships because he could prevail over any task given him.

One day Heinie Hinkelheimer realized that he had done everything there was to do in the world except one thing: swim the Atlantic. So he went to a pier and announced, “I will swim across the Atlantic. This I can do this because my name is Heinie Hinkelheimer, The Double Eagle Scout, and I am used to hardships. I can take it!”

He saluted the crowd, dove into the water and began to swim across the ocean. After swimming for three days he began to get hungry. He spied a boat and the captain of the boat called out, “Heinie Hinkelheimer, The Double Eagle Scout Who Is So Used to Hardships, won’t you come aboard my boat and have something to eat?” But Heinie Hinkelheimer said, “No! I am Heinie Hinkelheimer, The Double Eagle Scout, and I am used to hardships. I can take it!” So he swam on.

He swam another day and now he was getting tired. He spied another boat and the captain called out, “Heinie Hinkelheimer, The Double Eagle Scout, Who is So Used to Hardships, won’t you come aboard my boat and rest a while?” Heinie Hinkelheimer looked up and said, “No! I am Heinie Hinkelheimer, The Double Eagle Scout, and I am used to hardships. I can take it!” So on he went.

He swam one more day and now he was really getting hungry and tired. He spied a slow-moving boat with no captain visible and thought he would do something he’d never done before: he would cheat. He climbed aboard and hid below deck to rest and find something to eat. Before long the captain found him and exclaimed, “Heinie Hinkelheimer, The Double Eagle Scout Who Is So Used to Hardships, what are you doing aboard my boat?”

A shaken Heinie Hinkelheimer replied, “I was so hungry and so tired I just had to come aboard to eat and rest awhile.”

In a grave tone the captain said, “Heinie Hinkelheimer, I’m afraid you will have to pay the Supreme Penalty!”

“No, no, not the Supreme Penalty!”

“Yes, the Supreme Penalty,” said the captain as he reached out to grab him.

But before the captain could lay his hands on him, Heinie escaped up the stairs and ran around the deck as fast as he could. The captain sped after him and nearly caught up with Heinie Hinkelheimer who was exhausted from the swim. Just before the captain grabbed him Heinie Hinkelheimer climbed up the mast. At the top of the mast he looked down at the captain climbing towards him and cried, “Captain, if you come one step closer I will jump!”

But the captain kept on coming so Heinie Hinkelheimer, the Double Eagle Scout, jumped and landed on the deck with an astounding thud.

But that didn’t hurt Heinie Hinkelheimer because he was used to hard ships.

Boom Boom.
Click to expand...
Jesus Wilf🤦
 
A horse entered a bar and to the astonishment of the barman he ordered a double whisky. He quickly knocked it back and after 4 more staggered out of the bar on all fours.

Next evening he comes into the bar and repeats the feat.

After returning each evening for a week the barman asks him whether he thinks he has a drinking problem. The horse replies 'I don't think ...' and then promptly disappears in a puff of smoke.

Obviously it was a case of putting Descartes before the horse.
 
The Lion and the Elephant are arguing over who's really King of the Jungle; the Lion says he's traditionally King, therefore he should be King, but the Elephant argues he's stronger, so he should be King. Eventually, they decide to have a football game to settle the matter, and they pick other animals to be on their team. The elephant picks, among others, the rhinoceros because he's big, strong, and tough to tackle, while the lion picks, among others, the donkey, because he can kick the ball far with his hind legs.

The Lions team wins the toss, so the lion tells the donkey, "You're our centre forward, just kick it as far as you can. Oh, and don't kick it anywhere near the rhinoceros; he's good." The donkey promises not to. he then kicks a beautiful kick...right to the rhinoceros, who runs it towards the Lion's goal and scores. The lion's team is able to score one & equal the score.

Since he has a good team. The lion tells the donkey, "Listen, I know that was probably a mistake, and this time I'll let it go, but please don't kick it to the rhinoceros again." The donkey says he won't, but once again he kicks a beautiful kick straight to the rhinoceros, who once again runs into the Lions half and scores a beauty. Once again, the lion's team is able to come back and even the score.

At half time, the score is even, and the cycle has repeated itself for the whole game. The lion is so angry that steam is coming out of his ears, and says to the donkey, "Listen, if you kick it to the rhinoceros one more time, I'm going to have you for dinner tonight." The donkey, now trembling, says he won't, but once again, he kicks a beautiful kick...right to the rhinoceros. The rhinoceros has it as he powers towards the goal and he's got no one to stop him, when all of a sudden, he trips and fumbles. The lion's team recovers, and has a chance to win the game. The lion looks around to see what caused the rhinoceros to trip, and that's when he notices the giant centipede. "Centipede, is that you?" "Yes." "Nice tackle." "Thanks." "Where have you been?" "In the locker room." "The locker room?!? What the hell have you been doing all this time in the locker room?"









"Tying my shoe laces."
 
JUST FOR WIZZERBOY.


I'm 77 years old and my father, who passed away when I was 26, told me a great joke about Boxing.

Unfortunately I've forgotten the punch line.
 
My wife has just told me I'll never make as a George Michael tribute act. I said to her that you gotta have faith...
 
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What's the difference between a mountain lion and a cougar?

One can drag something twice it's weight up a tree, while the other can drag someone half her age into bed!!
 
Bloke goes into a pub and walks up to the bar.

Before he gets chance to speak, the landlord shouts "Oi get out you, you're barred. On your way, go on you're barred!"

The bloke looks at the landlord in a puzzled way and says "Sorry pal I think you're mistaken, I've never been in this pub before in my life!"

"Oh yes you have, I only barred you the other night!" says the landlord.

"Nah, sorry mate, never been in here before...anyway, what was I barred for if it was me?"

"You know what I mean, coming in here the other night conning all the punters to get free drinks!!"

"Sorry mate, like I said, I've never been in here before"

"Well all i can say is, you must have a double!"

The bloke says... "Oh thanks very much that's very kind of you, I'll have a double brandy!!"
 
A bloke goes to see a Marriage councillor.

'I want a divorce' he says.
'On what grounds' the councillor asks.

'My wife is out every night touring all the pubs and nightspots often till two in the morning' he says.
'I see' says the councillor, 'and what is she doing at that time of night'.

'Looking for me' says the bloke.

Apologies to 20's, just seen your version.
 
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Bloke goes for a job interview and impresses the panel that much they offer him the job.
Before I accept please can we talk terms and conditions.
Sure they say, going through all the infinite details. They end by saying that they'll start him on £13.50/hour but he seems that good it'll probably rise to £17/hour in six months!!

When can you start? they ask.

In 6 months😝
 
Came out of Asda this morning and there was a woman crying her eyes out.Apparently she'd just lost all her holiday money.I felt so sorry for her that I gave her £50.I don't normally do that kind of thing but I'd only just found £2000 in the car park.
 
I went horse riding yesterday

Although I had no previous experience I skilfully mounted the horse and appeared in complete command of the situation as the horse galloped along at a steady pace.

After a short time I became a little casual and l began to lose my grip in the saddle, I panicked and grabbed the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop.

By this time I had slipped completely out of the saddle and was only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that I still had a grip on the horse's neck.

I decided my best chance was to leap away from the horse, but my foot had become entangled in one of the stirrups.

As the horse galloped along my head was banging on the ground and I was slipping into unconsciousness.

Just then, the Security Guard came out of Sainsburys and unplugged the horse

And then he confiscated my 50p so I couldn’t have a ride in Postman Pat’s van
 
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