😁Friday joke thread 😁

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License
to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
 
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
 
20togo said:
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
Click to expand...
Somebody bought you a joke book 😂 TBF some decent ones 👍
 
A slightly hard of hearing preston fan has been feeling under the weather, so decides to see the doctor. He asks his mum to come along as, being a nobber, he's not quite all there.
The doctor checks him all over but can't work out what's wrong, so he tells the poor nobber he's gonna need a blood sample, a urine sample, a stool sample and a semen sample.
The nobber's getting flustered, he can't hear or understand so he asks his mum what the doctor wants.

His mum says "don't worry love, the doctor just wants you to leave your underpants at reception"
 
Paddy and Mary decide to spice their sex life up and agree that seeing as they've never done it in the past they'll try a 69!!
Mary tells Paddy to lie down on the bed and she starts to lower herself down.
As she's doing so she accidentally farts, oooh I'm sorry Paddy she says and has another attempt. Yet again she farts.
Paddy scrambles to his feet in a rage.
If you think I'm staying there for another 67 you've another thing coming!!
 
Dialogue in future game shows.....

That answer was exactly correct Stan, however Paul shouted his answer out louder so the point goes to him. Also a bonus 10 points go to Sue who was offended by your answer.
 
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since last Friday.
 
Wizzerboy said:
Paddy and Mary decide to spice their sex life up and agree that seeing as they've never done it in the past they'll try a 69!!
Mary tells Paddy to lie down on the bed and she starts to lower herself down.
As she's doing so she accidentally farts, oooh I'm sorry Paddy she says and has another attempt. Yet again she farts.
Paddy scrambles to his feet in a rage.
If you think I'm staying there for another 67 you've another thing coming!!
Click to expand...
The old ones are the best 😂
 
Pete gets called up for national service, but he’s engaged to Doris and they can’t stand to be parted, so they decide she’ll dress as a bloke and go with him. He tells her to keep her arms folded and pretend she’s dumb.

On the train Pete says he’s going to the toilet, Doris shakes her head , but Pete says it’s ok love, I’ll only be a couple of minutes.

When he’s gone, the bloke opposite says, are you alright love? She shakes her head. Thought not he says, your flies are open and your arse is showing.
 
A bloke unexpectedly brings a younger workmate home at 5.30 for tea.

The blokes wife starts ranting and yelling and the youngster sits there quietly and listens.

My hair and make up aren't done, the house is a mess, the dishes aren't done, nowheres been vacuumed, I'm still in my pyjamas and I'm definitely not in the bloody mood to cook.
Why on earth did you think of bringing him home?

The husband replies, because he's thinking of getting married!!!
 
A bloke says to his wife, c'mon me you and the dog are going fishing.
His wife says, but I hate fishing, I don't want to go.
Fair enough, he says ill give you 3 choices. Go fishing, give me a blow job or let me take you doggy style.
She's disgusted but ops for giving the blow job.
Almost immediately she's repulsed and says your cock tasts awful what the hell have you been doing.
The fella says, ahh it'll be the dog, he didn't want to go either!!🫣😬
 
Parents saw their little lad leave his letter to Santa on the mantlepiece one Christmas eve along with a drink and mince pie for Santa and a carrot for Rudolph.
He gave his parents a good night kiss and went off to bed.

Later as they were having a nightcap the parents had a quick look at their son's letter, smiling at each other they opened the envelope and it read......

Dear Santa,
I've been a good boy all year, well, some of the time.
Ok once in a while.
Ah crap, it doesn't matter, I'll buy my own stuff.
 
My friends wife got a dog the other week , but she didn’t like his very hairy ears . So she decided to get some Veet , the cream women use to get rid of unwanted hair. She went to the chemist and got some , he advised it will burn if left on too long so if it’s for your legs I recommend you wash it off after an hour , if it’s for your face I recommend you wash it off after 10 minutes .
Actually, she said , it’s for my schnauzer . In that case , said the chemist , I recommend you don’t ride a bike for a week !
 
A Chinese chappie was sitting at the bar when a Jewish geezer comes up and punches him in the nose - he grabs his nose and says "What was that for?"

The Jewish geezer says, "That's for Pearl Harbor!"

The Chinese chappie exclaims "Pearl Harbor, I'm Chinese, that was the Japanese!"

To which the Jewish geezer replies "Chinese,
Vietnamese, Japanese...they're all the same!"

The Chinese chappie sits at the bar getting angrier and angrier - finally, he can take no more and goes and punches the Jewish geezer in his nose and says "That's for the Titanic!"

The Jewish geezer is puzzled "The Titanic?!"

"Goldberg, Steinberg, Iceberg...they're all the same!" replied the Chinese chappie.
 
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