bill40
Well-known member
A Lesson in How Not to Make a Bed Well.
We all know that men are not ‘domestic’ creatures. Creatures perhaps, but not exactly domesticated!Here’s a tale of my attempts to change my bedding!So, I had decided it was time to change my bedding. What could be simpler? Change the quilt cover, change the pillow cases, and change the sheets. It’s a five minute job...Isn’t it?I had been to the local ‘charity’ shop some time before and bought a complete set of what looked pretty much like new bedding. It smelled lovely and was pretty much pristine. So that was my choice of ‘change’. Why not? That’s why I bought it.Ok, it’s early evening in the winter (that’s relevant!), and I set to, by stripping the bed. Sheet off, pillow cases off, and then the ten second job of taking off the quilt cover. No problem!...Easy isn’t it?
The first job I decided was to put the new quilt cover on the quilt. Yes I’ve read and even seen the inside-outy method, that makes things really simple. But you have to remember, I’m a bloke. I’d tried it before and got into an awful mess. So decided to struggle with the ‘traditional method’.So there I am shoving, pushing, cajoling, swearing, deciding swearing wasn’t appropriate, talking nicely, and almost disappearing inside the quilt cover. For god’s sake, it just isn’t going to fit!!!Eventually, after 5 minutes of fighting, I finally discover that the reason it’s such a problem is that it’s a single quilt, and I’m trying to stuff a double quilt inside it!!Thank goodness I’m alone and nobody can witness by ‘basic’ error. No problem! I’ve got other quilt covers. Haven’t I?
So next is the search for a suitable ‘double’ quilt cover. I’ve got a wicker blanket box where I store all the bedding, and rummage through there to find a ‘suitable’ alternative. Bingo! This will do. It’s not exactly colour coordinated with my bedroom, but hey, I’m a bloke, and live alone. Does that matter? I decide it’s my bedroom and who’s gonna notice?Here we go again. The traditional ‘fight’ with the quilt versus the quilt cover. I shove the corners into the quilt cover corners, and feel I’m getting somewhere. After several bouts of swearing yet again! It’s finally in. It’s flat, with no lumps and I’m pretty pleased. I’ve managed it. Then I notice that it’s inside out...I take a deep breath and trying to suppress my annoyance, I strip it off again, and start the ‘fitting’ once again. I’m getting good at this, and it’s fitted in no time at all. Then I go to close the quilt. I wasn’t sure if it was buttons or ‘poppers’. I find it’s buttons...But there’s only one button!!!!!...Aaaargh...Sod it.
I think....Who cares?...Then I have visions of it sneaking out of the cover during the night, and leaving me with just the cover during a nights sleep. It’s gotta go!So to cut a long story short, I find yet another quilt cover...eventually!...It’s not the right colour...who cares? I’m getting good at this caper by now. Strip the buttonless cover off, and replace it with one that does have fastenings. I checked that it was not inside out, I checked that it did have fasteners that ‘work’. What could possibly go wrong now? After another five minutes of wrestling with it, it’s inside, but it’s a bit lumpy. No problem.
I’ll just kick off my slippers, and with bare feet, just stand on the bed and give it a good shake. This will give me height, and make it easy to smooth out the lumps. There I am stood on the bed and ‘shaking’ for all I’m worth when....CRASH...My shaking the quilt mean that I’m pretty close to the light fitting...That smashes, and the entire house is plunged into darkness!There I am, bare-footed, in the pitch black, knowing there are shards of glass all over the bed, and I’m barefooted! I can’t see what on earth I’m doing, but know I have to get downstairs to the kitchen and flick the trip-switch to get the lights back on again. I gingerly, fall to my knees, and feel sharp pains in my knees...Yep they’ve been cut...I don’t know how badly, but it’s odds on that they are now bleeding.I make my way downstairs in the dark. The electric board is in the kitchen, but it’s high up.
So I need to get the step ladders to reach them. Fortunately, I know where they are in the dark. I start climbing the step ladders and unfortunately in the dark miss my footing, and fall off, hitting my head on the cupboard. Ouch! That bloody hurt! Really hurt!!Eventually, I climb the ladders and manage to ‘flick’ the switch...Hey presto! I now have lights again! Thinking laterally, I get a spare bulb from the ‘man’ cupboard. I know I’m gonna need one before going back into the bedroom. The tricky bit, is I know there’s still shards of glass everywhere. So it’s a matter of setting up the vacuum cleaner, to scour the mattress and associated areas. After removing the glass from my slippers, I set to, vacuuming the area for all traces of glass. I’m getting kinda fed up now!...Did the bed smell that bad?
Ok, I’m back in the bedroom and ready to continue the fight. The bulb is replaced, the blood from my feet and knees and head, are subsiding. I set to, to finish the job I started. I fasten the quilt with the provided poppers...Job almost done!Whoohooo...The quilt is done! Now it’s just a matter of fitting the fitted sheet and the pillow cases and it’s done!..Thank GOD!Now it’s gotta be easy fitting the sheet. Think again!!!I put one side one, and fit the other, and the boing...the original side pops out...and so it goes on...fit one side and the other pops off...After another inordinate amount of swearing and cussing, it’s finally fitted. Albeit, I’m not convinced it will survive a night’s sleep with me tossing and turning.Last but not least, the pillow cases. Easy peasy!...Yep, there’s no problem there! So there we are. One completed bed change.The bed change took me two hours to complete. Is that something of a record?
We all know that men are not ‘domestic’ creatures. Creatures perhaps, but not exactly domesticated!Here’s a tale of my attempts to change my bedding!So, I had decided it was time to change my bedding. What could be simpler? Change the quilt cover, change the pillow cases, and change the sheets. It’s a five minute job...Isn’t it?I had been to the local ‘charity’ shop some time before and bought a complete set of what looked pretty much like new bedding. It smelled lovely and was pretty much pristine. So that was my choice of ‘change’. Why not? That’s why I bought it.Ok, it’s early evening in the winter (that’s relevant!), and I set to, by stripping the bed. Sheet off, pillow cases off, and then the ten second job of taking off the quilt cover. No problem!...Easy isn’t it?
The first job I decided was to put the new quilt cover on the quilt. Yes I’ve read and even seen the inside-outy method, that makes things really simple. But you have to remember, I’m a bloke. I’d tried it before and got into an awful mess. So decided to struggle with the ‘traditional method’.So there I am shoving, pushing, cajoling, swearing, deciding swearing wasn’t appropriate, talking nicely, and almost disappearing inside the quilt cover. For god’s sake, it just isn’t going to fit!!!Eventually, after 5 minutes of fighting, I finally discover that the reason it’s such a problem is that it’s a single quilt, and I’m trying to stuff a double quilt inside it!!Thank goodness I’m alone and nobody can witness by ‘basic’ error. No problem! I’ve got other quilt covers. Haven’t I?
So next is the search for a suitable ‘double’ quilt cover. I’ve got a wicker blanket box where I store all the bedding, and rummage through there to find a ‘suitable’ alternative. Bingo! This will do. It’s not exactly colour coordinated with my bedroom, but hey, I’m a bloke, and live alone. Does that matter? I decide it’s my bedroom and who’s gonna notice?Here we go again. The traditional ‘fight’ with the quilt versus the quilt cover. I shove the corners into the quilt cover corners, and feel I’m getting somewhere. After several bouts of swearing yet again! It’s finally in. It’s flat, with no lumps and I’m pretty pleased. I’ve managed it. Then I notice that it’s inside out...I take a deep breath and trying to suppress my annoyance, I strip it off again, and start the ‘fitting’ once again. I’m getting good at this, and it’s fitted in no time at all. Then I go to close the quilt. I wasn’t sure if it was buttons or ‘poppers’. I find it’s buttons...But there’s only one button!!!!!...Aaaargh...Sod it.
I think....Who cares?...Then I have visions of it sneaking out of the cover during the night, and leaving me with just the cover during a nights sleep. It’s gotta go!So to cut a long story short, I find yet another quilt cover...eventually!...It’s not the right colour...who cares? I’m getting good at this caper by now. Strip the buttonless cover off, and replace it with one that does have fastenings. I checked that it was not inside out, I checked that it did have fasteners that ‘work’. What could possibly go wrong now? After another five minutes of wrestling with it, it’s inside, but it’s a bit lumpy. No problem.
I’ll just kick off my slippers, and with bare feet, just stand on the bed and give it a good shake. This will give me height, and make it easy to smooth out the lumps. There I am stood on the bed and ‘shaking’ for all I’m worth when....CRASH...My shaking the quilt mean that I’m pretty close to the light fitting...That smashes, and the entire house is plunged into darkness!There I am, bare-footed, in the pitch black, knowing there are shards of glass all over the bed, and I’m barefooted! I can’t see what on earth I’m doing, but know I have to get downstairs to the kitchen and flick the trip-switch to get the lights back on again. I gingerly, fall to my knees, and feel sharp pains in my knees...Yep they’ve been cut...I don’t know how badly, but it’s odds on that they are now bleeding.I make my way downstairs in the dark. The electric board is in the kitchen, but it’s high up.
So I need to get the step ladders to reach them. Fortunately, I know where they are in the dark. I start climbing the step ladders and unfortunately in the dark miss my footing, and fall off, hitting my head on the cupboard. Ouch! That bloody hurt! Really hurt!!Eventually, I climb the ladders and manage to ‘flick’ the switch...Hey presto! I now have lights again! Thinking laterally, I get a spare bulb from the ‘man’ cupboard. I know I’m gonna need one before going back into the bedroom. The tricky bit, is I know there’s still shards of glass everywhere. So it’s a matter of setting up the vacuum cleaner, to scour the mattress and associated areas. After removing the glass from my slippers, I set to, vacuuming the area for all traces of glass. I’m getting kinda fed up now!...Did the bed smell that bad?
Ok, I’m back in the bedroom and ready to continue the fight. The bulb is replaced, the blood from my feet and knees and head, are subsiding. I set to, to finish the job I started. I fasten the quilt with the provided poppers...Job almost done!Whoohooo...The quilt is done! Now it’s just a matter of fitting the fitted sheet and the pillow cases and it’s done!..Thank GOD!Now it’s gotta be easy fitting the sheet. Think again!!!I put one side one, and fit the other, and the boing...the original side pops out...and so it goes on...fit one side and the other pops off...After another inordinate amount of swearing and cussing, it’s finally fitted. Albeit, I’m not convinced it will survive a night’s sleep with me tossing and turning.Last but not least, the pillow cases. Easy peasy!...Yep, there’s no problem there! So there we are. One completed bed change.The bed change took me two hours to complete. Is that something of a record?
. No matter how many washes I couldn't get the thought of two hairy arsed porkers bang at it before donating to the Heart Foundation 
