Friday joke thread

Guy goes into a pub and says to the landlord, “whisky please and one for yourself, put them on a tab and I’ll settle up at the end” “Thanks, very kind” says the landlord.

The guy downed his drink and said “same again please and one for yourself“

After another three rounds the landlord said “it’s closing time I’m afraid, but that’s been great, if you can settle up, it’s £35”

The guy says “I haven’t any money“ landlord is furious “you buy drinks all night and you didn’t have any money” he promptly rounds the bar, knocks six bells out of the guy, throws him out shouting “your barred”

Week later the guy walks in again, the landlord says “you again! I suppose it’s a whiskey and one for me”

The guy says “no, I’m not buying you one, you get nasty when you’ve had a few”
 
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
What are you upto? he asks.
I'm going to New York, I've read that prostitutes get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!!
The bloke immediately starts to pack a suitcase of his own.
Where are you going? She asks.
I'm coming with you, he says.
I'm intrigued to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!
 
A newlywed couple lay in bed on their wedding night;

The bride turns to her husband with a confession "I really should have told you sooner but I used to be a hooker"

The groom thinks for a moment then says "You should have told me, but actually I find that quite erotic, tell me more about it"

Relieved, she said 'Okay well my name was Brian and I played for Wigan Warriors"
 
A Romanian and a Liverpool guy go into a pastry shop.
The Romanian whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.
The Romanian says to the Scouser, "You see how clever we are? You Scousers can never beat that!"
The Scouser says to the Romanian, "Watch dis, any Scouser is smarter dan you, and I'll prove it to ya."
He says to the baker, "Gimme a cookie, I'll show ya a magic trick!"
The baker gives him the cookie, which the Scouser promptly eats.
Then he says to the baker, "Gimme anudder cookie for me magic trick." The baker is getting suspicious, but he
gives it to him. He eats this one too.
Then he says again, "Gimme one more cookie..." The baker is getting
angry now, but gives him one anyway. The Scouser eats this one too.
Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, "OK...
And now where is your famous magic trick?"
The Scouser says.... "Now look in the Romanian's pocket!"
 
In Brazil there is a huge area of Pampas grass which grows to more then 4' 6".
In this area there lives a tribe of Pigmys called The Fukarwe' whose average height is only 4 Feet.
Daily they can be seen, jumping up and proudly proclaiming 'We're the Fukarwe'.
 
Went to this hotel with the Mrs the other week.

Manager asks would you like a twin or a double room.
Mrs said what did he say?
Did we want a twin or a double!
Manager asked would you like a bath or a shower.
Mrs said what did he say?
Did we want a bath or a shower!🙄
Manager says it'll be £50 a night
Mrs says what did he say?
It'll be £50 a night😡
Manager asks, where abouts are you two from?
Mrs, what did he say?
He wants to know where we're from🤬

I told the manager that we're from Blackpool.
Manager says, christ, I had one of the worst shags I've ever had in my life at Blackpool!!
Mrs says what did he say!!!
I said, he thinks he knows you😉
 
In the year 1534 there were 3 explorers who discovered a great piece of land. They had no idea what to name it. So they each decided to pick a letter and go from there. The first explorer said "C" eh, the second said "N" eh, and the last said "D" eh. That's how the great Canada was named
 
A guy walked into a bar with a monkey and it immediately grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.

Then it grabbed some sliced limes and ate them too.

It then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.

To everyone’s amazement, the monkey stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

“No, what?” the guy replied.

“He just swallowed the cue ball off my pool table – whole!” the bartender exclaimed.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. “He eats everything in sight. Don’t worry, I’ll pay for the cue ball.”

Then the guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back and had the monkey with him.

He ordered a drink. The monkey started running around on the bar and found a cherry.

He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and then ate it.

Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and ate it.

The bartender asked, “Did you see what that filthy ape just did?”

“No, what?” asked the man.

“Well, he stuck both a cherry and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled them out and ate them,” the bartender said with some indignation.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. “He’ll eat anything, but ever since he had to crap that cue ball he measures everything first.”
 
A lady approaches a priest and says to him, "Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing".

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, Hi, we're prostitutes. D'ya wanna have some fun?"

"That's terrible!!" exclaimed the priest,
"but I have a solution to your problem.
Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach yours to stop saying that terrible phrase and will learn to praise and worship instead."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day, the lady brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady put her female parrots in with the male parrots and the females immediately said "Hi,we're prostitutes. D'ya wanna have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims...





"Put them beads away Frank, our prayers have been answered!"
 
A man says to the doctor I can’t stop singing the green green grass of home and the doctor says you have Tom Jones syndrome. Do you get many patients in with that and doctor says “it’s not unusual “
 
There was two fly’s. Who bunkered down. What were they playing for…..

The Cup……..

Neither knew it was 1953………

UTMP……..
 
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Friend said to me, "Isn't it strange how little people change"

I said, "Not really, it's the same process as bigger people, just the clothes are smaller"
 
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Mrs asked if I'd like to change positions just to mix things up a bit.
Well obviously I jumped at the chance, of course, I said.
Right, you get in here and do the washing up, I'll sit on the couch, drinking beer, watching sport and farting all night.😉
 
Me n the Mrs are a great match, for example....I've got a 9" penis and she doesn't know which way around to hold a rule.

I used to be a fortune teller but all I predicted were really bad winters.
Turned out the crystal ball shop had sold me a snow globe!
 
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