Friday Joke Thread

April13th1970

April13th1970

Well-known member
Went in Curry's and asked them "Could you sell me a Food Processor?"
The salesman replied "Kenwood?"
I said "OK, which one's Ken?"
 
The manager at the restaurant where I worked was a friendly, jovial man. But there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him--his height. Or, should I say his lack of it.
One day he stormed through the door and announced angrily, "Someone just picked my pocket!" Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for one who blurted out, "How could anyone stoop so low?"
 
Today on a drive, I decided to visit my childhood home.
I knocked on the door and asked the folk if I could come inside as I was feeling nostalgic.
They shouted NO and slammed the door in my face!!

I'll never understand my parents🤷
 
I've just written my annual letter to Santa on a piece of rough sandpaper, as I know what he did with it last year.
 
Before I retired, my boss asked me to find some good hide and seek players. I'm still looking.
 
The wife comes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, throws them on the floor and jumps on the bed

She then says to her Husband . . .“Make me feel like a woman.”

He walks over to the bed, takes off his shirt, throws it on the floor and says . . .“Iron that”
 
Paddy's wife goes to the doctor saying it's been ages since she's had an orgasm.
The doctor suggests that next time she has sex with Paddy that they use a fan to cool her down whilst in the act.
The night comes and they're both ready to make love, Paddy turns on the fan.....no power, nothing!
What the hell are we going to do now Paddy's Mrs asks.
I'll get Mac round, he can waft a towel to cool you down whilst we get it on!!
Mac comes round and starts wafting the towel, Paddy's wife motionless.
After 10 minutes Mac suggests that he and Paddy swap places.
Mac and Paddy's Mrs going at it hell for leather whilst Paddy is there wafting the towel like crazy.
Within minutes Paddy's Mrs is writhing in ecstasy, oh, yes yes YES.

After the event Paddy's Mrs says that that was the best sex she's ever had, Paddy turns round to Mac and says, "and that's how you waft a towel my friend"😉
 
Make sure you read all the way to the end.
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect
courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course,
perfect
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect
car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the
side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to
disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded
Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along
delivering the toys
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and
Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident
Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer )
The perfect woman survived She's the only one who really existed in the first
place Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a
perfect man.

****Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep
scrolling****

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have
been driving This explains why there was a car accident

By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates
another point: women never listen either
 
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains, he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
His girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He rides his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him."No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family fought a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word.
So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table, and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mum is horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mum, throws her on the table, and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still, there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. When he witnesses this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "Okay, enough already, I'll do the f*ckin' dishes!"
 
It’s very sad but this will be our first Christmas dinner without Grandma , but we know she will be looking down on us from above.
It’s her own fault though for breaking the stair lift .
 
ansdellmafia said:
It’s very sad but this will be our first Christmas dinner without Grandma , but we know she will be looking down on us from above.
It’s her own fault though for breaking the stair lift .
Click to expand...
Is she unable to walk downstairs due to injuries sustained when she got run over by a reindeer?

 
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