Friday Joke time on a Thursday

Following the break in at the Apple store, police are appealing for iWitnesses.

What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.

What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. In fact, just ** leave me alone.

My girlfriend said to me the other day, “If anything ever happens to me, I would want you to meet someone new.” Apparently, getting stuck in traffic doesn’t count as “anything.”
 
My mate fulfilled one on his wish list last night. Got to shag a cougar.

Now banned from Chester Zoo.
 
Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called Countdown?

"One of the great things about being in favour of Scottish independence is that I get maybe half a dozen tweets a day telling me that I don’t understand economics from Rangers fans.

"BBC’s coverage of Gaza is as shameful as anything it has ever done. Except Mrs Brown’s Boys. Actually, there’s a bunch of stuff. Forget it.

Glasgow is a very negative place. If Kanye was born in Glasgow he would have been called Noyecannae.

Boris was just there to divert us from the horrific things the government was planning, like a nodding dog stuck to a serial killer’s dashboard.
 
Mrs Raging said to me this morning, "The house needs hoovering badly"

I replied, "Would you not prefer me to do it well"

True story BTW. 😉
 
Bloke goes to a brothel in London and picks up a prostitute.
He asks the girl how much it is.
£100 she replies.
Will you do it Barnsley style he asks.
Not knowing what Barnsley style was she said no.
£200?
No
£300?
No
£400
No
£500
She thinks to herself, I've been on the game over 10 years and done some weird stuff, how bad can Barnsley style be? OK, she says and for the next 4 hours they have the most fantastic sex ever!! She's totally exhausted and tells the bloke that that was the best sex she's ever had, she was expecting something kinky, so where does this 'Barnsley style' come in?

Getting dressed, the bloke winks at the girl and says, I'll pay thi next month!!
 
Just looked at the back of the new England football shirt, saw what was printed on it and thought, 'f*** that , no way am I wearing that!'

'Maguire'
 
Two hungry cowboys crossing the Californian desert see a tree in the distance draped with bacon. "It a bacon tree" one says as he stirs his horse into a gallop. He gets close to the tree, dismounts and runs towards it. Suddenly there is a hail of bullets and he is severely wounded. As his life ebbs away he summons enough strength to warn his companion - "Be warned. It is not a bacon tree, its a ham-bush"!!
 
So I bought this DVD and in the extras it said 'Deleted Scenes'. When I had a look there was nothing there.

--‐----------------------------------------------------------------


I phoned up my local builders and said "I want a skip outside my house?"


He said "I'm not stopping you."
 
JJpool said:
So I bought this DVD and in the extras it said 'Deleted Scenes'. When I had a look there was nothing there.

--‐----------------------------------------------------------------


I phoned up my local builders and said "I want a skip outside my house?"


He said "I'm not stopping you."
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Sooty59 said:
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Did you hear about that woman arrested at Gatwick this morning, 7 baby porcupines in a pillow case.

I don't know how some people sleep at night.
 
“A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, ‘First offender?’ She says, ‘No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!’”
 
Two young boys walked into a Pharmacy, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the checkout counter asked the older boy. “Son how old are you ?”
“Eight” the boy replied.
The man continued. “Do you know what these are used for?
”The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me, there for him he’s my brother, he’s four.”
“Oh really” the pharmacist replied with a grin.
“Yes” the boy said, “We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now he can’t do none of those”
 
A Muslim was shot with a starting pistol last night.
Police have confirmed that the incident IS race related!

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but 2 minutes 15 seconds every 6 month ain't going to shift this beer belly!!
 
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