Friday Joke Time

South Stand '58

South Stand '58

Well-known member
Edward was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry etc. but Edward was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
'My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is
really good he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.'
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Edward aside to ask him if that was really true.
'No' said Edward, 'He plays football for Preston NE, but I was just too embarrassed to say'.
 
PNE fan. "I'm stuck on a cross word.Anyone remember the name of the ship on Mutiny on the Bounty "
I've just got he sack from my dream job at Nasa. They said i was a waste of space.
 
A woman is in the kitchen cooking lunch when her young son calls through from the lounge where he's watching TV.

He asks "What's love juice, Mum?"

In the spirit of honesty she replies "It's the natural lubricant created when two people are making love. Why, what are you watching?"



"Wimbledon"
 
A little boy asks his dad "Where does poo come from?"

His father is taken aback by the question but decides to give his son the facts straight up.

"Well son," he says, "food passes down the esophagus by peristalsis. It enters the stomach, where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal. This contracts the protein before waste enters the colon. Water is absorbed, whereupon it enters the rectum finally to emerge as poo."

"Wow," says the boy. "So where does Tigger come from?"
 
Went into the pub today and asked if they did cash back?

Yeh, of course we do, replied the barmaid.

Thank god for that, can I have that £50 I spent last night, the Mrs is going mental😬
 
Was in the pub last night being chatted up by this really ugly woman.
She said to me, hey you got a nickname?
I said, yeh my mates call me the sledge.
Ooooh, is it because you're a smooth ride? She giggled.
Nah, it's because I'm always getting pulled by dogs!!😉

Couldn't believe it not 10 minutes later a big fat girl comes up, slaps me on the arse and says, how about giving me your number ?
I said, have you got a pen?
She replied, yeh.
Well you best get back to it before the farmer finds out your missing!!

My dental surgery is this afternoon 😩
 
Little Nanook returned home to his igloo after another day at Eskimo school:
'MUM, MUM, WHAT'S FOR TEA ?'
'Vera Lynn burgers dear'
'NOOOO, NOT WHALE MEAT AGAIN !'
 
So Huw Edward paid 35k for explicit photo's.What an amateur, Prince Edward paid 12m for a shag that never happened.

Got talking to Elvis in B & Q. Apparently he returned a sander.

I think women should be like golf caddies. Either holding your balls or getting your tee ready.
 
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April13th1970 said:
I got banned from the local swimming pool today

They banned me for "peeing in the pool".

I tried defending myself by saying everybody pees in the pool, but according to them no one does it from the diving board
Click to expand...
How's this for tru story.
When at Lluton Airport we often went to the swimming baths on a Sunday morning.
One Sunday My good mate Mike was there with is 4 year old.
The little lad playing with his dad in the pool suddenly said, 'Daddy I want a wee'.
Mike said, ;You have to get out of the pool for wee'.
Next thing we knew, the lad was stood at the side of the pool weeing into it.
Mike was horrified and embarrassed and quickly went and got hold of him.
 
An Englishman, Scotsman, Welshman and an Irishman are captured by the Afghan Taliban and sentenced to death by firing squad.

Before being shot they are asked if they have any last requests.

The Welshman says "Before I die, I would like to hear 1000 Welsh voices singing 'Land of my Fathers'"...

The Irishman says "Before I die, I would like to see 1000 Irish dancers performing 'Riverdance'"...

The Scotsman says "Before I die, I would like to hear 1000 bagpipes playing 'Scotland the Brave'"...

"And you, English pig! What is your last request?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

"For fuck's sake, please shoot me first!" 🙏
 
An old Chick Murray joke.

He visited a friend for afternoon tea.

The friend brought him a tray with a tea pot, cup and saucer, a jug of milk and a scone with a microscopic amount of honey on it.

Chick said - "Oh, I see you keep a bee then!"
 
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun."
So they went back to her place and got comfortable.
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand."
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay."
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun."
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks. "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch shtole ma wallet."
 
A man found a mucky bottle on the beach so wiped it to see if there was anything inside.
Whoosh, out came a genie, 'You have one wish so make sure it's a good one' said the genie.
'Err, I've always wanted to go to the USA' he said 'but get seasick and am afraid of flying, so could you build me a bridge across the Atlantic so I can drive there'?
'Impossible' said the genie, 'the ocean is too deep think of another'.
The man then said 'OK can you give me the power to understand a woman'.
The genie grimaced and replied 'how many lanes do you want on your bridge?'
 
Was at a rock memorabilia market and bought a load of clothes that used to belong to the guy in Mamas and the Papas. Got it home, took it out of the bag....all the sleeves are brown and the ties are grey.

My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding.
She got mad and says she's never going to play scrabble with me again.
 
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