Friday Joke

MartonBornandBred

MartonBornandBred

Well-known member
VIAGRA

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon
and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this
Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a
bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "It's really spoiled my need for
food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a
juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still
not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."
 
Tommy Nobber drives into Preston Bus Station and parks his bus. He goes to the manager's office and hands in his notice. The manager says " What's all this about Tommy?" Tommy replies" I cannot be a bus driver any longer. I keep thinking people are talking behind my back!"
 
At a funeral for a traffic warden the coffin was being lowered into the grave when mourners heard banging sounds and frantic shouts of " I'M NOT DEAD! GET ME OUT OF HERE!". The vicar leaned over the grave and said" It's too late I've already started filling in the paperwork."
 
A man’s walking through a churchyard early one day when he spots another bloke crouching by a headstone.
Being of a cheerful disposition, he cries out “Morning!”
The bloke replies, “No, just having a shit”
 
JJpool said:
The Germans I know are all very sensitive.

Far too much so.

I literally asked do you guys get offended if I ask about the war.

They reply 999.

No need to call the cops over a question...
Click to expand...
I still like the one where a bloke is found wrapped in cling film naked with an orange in his mouth & it gets into the media. On questioning about the embarrassment of it all, it could have been worse if the truth had come out as actually he was wearing a Preston shirt. 😂
 
A bloke was driving down a dark and lonely country road at night when he spotted a hitchhiker, so he picked the poor soul up.

The hitchhiker got in the good samaritan's car and said "thanks mate, it's always hard to get anyone to stop for me 'coz everyone thinks that I could be a serial killer, LOL!"

The driver replied "I hear what you're saying mate, but I figure what's the odds of two serial killers being in the same car at the same time?!"

🤔😱🧡
 
While riding my motorbike yesterday, I swerved to avoid hitting a stray dog, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my bike, I guess."
 
A PKE fan was walking his dog along the banks of the River Ribble when he sees a rusty old lamp washed up on the river bank. He picks it up and inspects it thinking it may have some value.
He gives it a rub and, needless to say, a genie emerges and offers him one wish
“ I would love it if my dog could one day win a medal at Crufts”
The genie looks at the man’s dog, it is, by no means a pedigree, being of uncertain, breeding, matted, thick fur, a bent tail and is distinctly cross eyed
The genie replies “I’m sorry, I know I offered you one wish, but there is no way that this dog is ever winning at Crufts, is there anything else you could wish for”
The poor deluded Nobber replies “well, I’ve always wanted to see my football team play in the Premier League”
The genie replied “let me have another look at that dog”
 
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