Friday Joke!

Delivered in a Tommy Cooper voice., for best effect.

Man goes to stroke a dog & says to the person with it “does your dog bite” he replies “no” on stroking the dog he get’s bitten. “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite” he retorted. To which the reply was







“It’s not my dog” 😂

I’ll get my coat 😂
 
Sooty59 said:
Delivered in a Tommy Cooper voice., for best effect.

Man goes to stroke a dog & says to the person with it “does your dog bite” he replies “no” on stroking the dog he get’s bitten. “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite” he retorted. To which the reply was







“It’s not my dog” 😂

I’ll get my coat 😂
Click to expand...
In an Inspector Clouseau voice😉
 
God visited a woman and told her that she'd have to give up smoking, drinking, swearing and sex if she wanted to get into heaven.
The woman said she'd try her best.
A week later God visited again to see how she was going on.

3 out of 4 ain't bad she said.
I've stopped drinking, swearing and smoking BUT.......
I bent over the freezer to get some stuff out when my skirt rode up and my boyfriend was instantly aroused and took me from behind right there and then!!

God said, they'll not like that in heaven.

Woman said, they wasn't too happy about it in Lidl either!!😉👍🏻
 
A vicar concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles: While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several boxes of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed. At his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for £10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church. Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles, but he had serious doubts about Louie, a local farmer who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis stuttered badly, but not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday. Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack. "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?" Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied. "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the £200 I collected on behalf of the church." "Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the church is indebted to you." Turning to Paul the pastor said. "Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?" Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied. "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church and £280 I collected." The minister responded. "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you." Apprehensively, the minister said to Louie. "Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles this week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" The minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's £3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door-to-door, in just one week?" Louie just nodded. "That's impossible!" Both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could." "Yes, this does seem unlikely." The minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie." Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure." He stammered. Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!" "A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was." Louis replied. "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible F-f-for t-t-ten p-p-pounds ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"
 
My wife was yapping on as usual and said her friend had a minor stroke, so I immediately, to show I was listening, said oh that's awful is she OK.

To which she replied you never let me finish, she's had a miner stroke her bum and she enjoyed it.
 
A friend of mine's wife left him last week.
He told me she went out for some milk and that was the last he saw of her.
I asked him if he was OK and coping to which he replied
I'm fine loads of powdered milk in.
 
Sooty59 said:
Delivered in a Tommy Cooper voice., for best effect.

Man goes to stroke a dog & says to the person with it “does your dog bite” he replies “no” on stroking the dog he get’s bitten. “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite” he retorted. To which the reply was







“It’s not my dog” 😂

I’ll get my coat 😂
Click to expand...
Didn’t Peter Sellars also do that in one of his films? 🤣
 
Wizzerboy said:
God visited a woman and told her that she'd have to give up smoking, drinking, swearing and sex if she wanted to get into heaven.
The woman said she'd try her best.
A week later God visited again to see how she was going on.

3 out of 4 ain't bad she said.
I've stopped drinking, swearing and smoking BUT.......
I bent over the freezer to get some stuff out when my skirt rode up and my boyfriend was instantly aroused and took me from behind right there and then!!

God said, they'll not like that in heaven.

Woman said, they wasn't too happy about it in Lidl either!!😉👍🏻
Click to expand...
😂😂😂👏👏👏
Sat by school waiting to pick the granddaughter up. People passing must have wondered what I was howling at.
 
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Sooty59 said:
Delivered in a Tommy Cooper voice., for best effect.

Man goes to stroke a dog & says to the person with it “does your dog bite” he replies “no” on stroking the dog he get’s bitten. “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite” he retorted. To which the reply was







“It’s not my dog” 😂

I’ll get my coat 😂
Click to expand...
A Wandering Walter classic
 
Bus load of Nuns die in a motorway accident and are at the gates of heaven.
St Peter asks the 1st Nun if she has ever touched a penis.
Well, there was this one time I touched one with the very tip of my pinkie finger.
St Peter tells her to dip her finger in the Holy water and she'll be admitted.
He asks the 2nd Nun the same question.
Well, there was this one time I actually held one
St Peter tells her to wash her hands in the Holy water and she'll be admitted.
Around this time there was a right to do as one of the Nuns tried to push her way to the front.
St Peter exclaims that everyone will be admitted and that there was no rush.
Well the Nun says, I'm making sure I get to gargle the Holy water before Sister Mary shoves her arse in it.
 
Two ladies were walking home after a late night out. Desperately wanting a wee, they decide to nip into the cemetery that they were passing.
The first lady, realising that she had nothing to 'dab' with took off her knickers, dabbed and rolled them up and put them in her handbag.
The second lady simply grabbed a wreath off a nearby grave and dabbed with that.
The following morning the husband of the first lady phoned the husband of the second and said "I don't think our wives should go out together again"
"What makes you say that? his mate replied
"Well, when my wife came into the bedroom, I asked if she'd had a good night and she replied 'A really good night', but when she got ready for bed, it was quite clear she had come home with no knickers on!"
"You think that's bad?" his mate replied "When my wife came in the bedroom, I asked her if she'd had a good night to which she replied 'A really, really good night!' . She then climbed into bed and there tucked into the cheeks of her arse was a card which read...
"With love and thanks from all the boys down at the fire station;
We will never forget you!"
 
Bert, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Rory Mcilroy so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them. He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the Mrs.

Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret, at age 83 looked him over and replied, "Nope."

Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed, and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue," she replied in a calm voice.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!

Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "Maybe You shoulda bought a new hat.”
 
Wizaard said:
Two golfers on the third tee where the road is closest to the course.

One is just about to tee off and a cortege hoves into view. The golfer steps back, takes off his cap and lowers his head.

The second says 'Thats very respectful'.

He replies 'She was a good wife to me'.
Click to expand...
This must be his second wife then, because he did the same thing a few months ago, I believe. The heartless sod!

I’ve got a good memory!! 😀
 
Recently had a mechanic wanting me to change religion.
He was a Catholitic converter.

Why is it unwise to share a secret with a clock
Time will tell.

Why is Dark spelt with a K and not a C
Because you can't C in the dark.

My friend Jack claims that he can talk to vegetables
Jack and the beans talk.
 
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