Friday Jokes Thread

Grumpy_no_more

Grumpy_no_more

Well-known member
Starting the thread because I've heard some new (to me) Doctor Doctor jokes.



Doctor doctor, I've swallowed my pocket money

Take this and we'll see if there's any change in the morning.



Doctor, Doctor, I'm shrinking!

I'm sorry, you'll have to be a little patient.



Doctor, Doctor, I have a deep and abiding hatred of people with foot digit amputations.

Ah, you have lack toes intolerance.
 
Grumpy_no_more said:
Starting the thread because I've heard some new (to me) Doctor Doctor jokes.



Doctor doctor, I've swallowed my pocket money

Take this and we'll see if there's any change in the morning.



Doctor, Doctor, I'm shrinking!

I'm sorry, you'll have to be a little patient.



Doctor, Doctor, I have a deep and abiding hatred of people with foot digit amputations.

Ah, you have lack toes intolerance.
Click to expand...
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I've living in the South of France.

That's Nice..
 
An ugly pal of mine is going to Paris for the weekend, he reckons he’s guaranteed to be not sleeping alone.😂
 
Doctor Doctor everyone thinks I'm a liar.
I find that hard to believe.

Doctor Doctor I've swallowed a roll of film.
Come back tomorrow and we'll see what develops
 
Doctor Doctor I feel like a pack of cards.
Get on the table and I'll deal with you.

Doctor Doctor I feel like a small bucket
Yes, you look a little pale
 
A man woke up in the morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night. He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight. He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one onto the wall. He smashed the first bottle swearing “you are the reason I fight with my wife”. He smashed he second bottle “you are the reason I don’t love my children”. He smashed the third bottle “you are the reason I don’t have a decent job”. When he took the fourth bottle, he realized that the bottle was still sealed and was full. He hesitated for only a moment and said“ You stand aside, I know you were not involved”.
 
as told to me today by a 9 year old at the Half Term Kids Holiday Club we've been running at church

Knock, Knock

Who's There

Boo

Boo Who?

Don't cry, it's only a joke
 
An old Yorkshire chap is in his garden enjoying a cup of his Yorkshire tea, when he notices his next door neighbour's seven-year-old daughter (the whole family having just moved over from t'other side of the Pennines) digging in her garden.

The ensuing conversation went something like this...

"Hello love, what you doin' there then?"

"I'm burying my goldfish."

"Oh that's a shame, but it's only a goldfish isn't it love - so why are you digging such a big hole?"

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

"Because it's inside your fuckin' cat, yer silly old **!"
 
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, you might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They indicate you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 HOURS! That’s terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE than that?

Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.
 
Not my story, but heard this from a yank comedian who swears it's true:

A struggling comedian in NYC who earns his living doing building work. His new girlfriend sweetly insisted that she made him a healthy packed lunch for his day on the construction site.
Except the site had hot food provided, so after a morning of hard graft he preferred a piping hot bowl of chilli instead of her sandwich wrapped in tinfoil.
Rather than disappoint/be honest with his gf he'd give the sandwich to one of the many homeless people he'd pass on his way to work. Good deed for the day, happy wife happy life...sorted.

After about a week of doing this, he walks to work and sees a homeless woman sat with her child, a little boy around 13 years old. He makes a point of asking the mum if he can give his sandwich to her son to which she gratefully accepts.

That evening, or a few days later...whenever...he's walking home on a crowded New York Street when that same homeless woman appears from nowhere and just starts attacking him, screaming obscenities and all sorts.

It transpired that as a spicy little tease the girlfriend had been slipping a note inside his sandwiches every day about what sexual acts she wanted to do to him once he got home drom work. He'd unwittingly been terrorising the homeless community of New York for weeks 😂
 
A gun toting bank robber rushes into a bank, orders all of the customers to lie on the ground and demands that the cashier emptied the till

As he does his mask slips revealing his full face

He says to the nearest customer “did you see my face” to which the customer replied “yes”. The bank robber shoots him to the head killing him instantly.

He says the same to the second customer who also replies honestly that he had, and he too was shot dead in cold blood

The remaining customers are a middle aged couple. “Did you see my face?” the robber demands of the husband.

“No, but my wife did” he replies…..
 
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.
 
Doctor Doctor, I'm having trouble with my aviaries.

"I think you mean ovaries, let me have a look. Oh you are quite right, you've had a cockatoo up there".
 
A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it.

He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.

When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin". He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the bloody "e" out, you've left the bloody "e" out!"

The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning. Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason: "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".

The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud: "E, she were thin".
 
When Harry Hedgehog was four months old and it was time for his first road safety lesson. In the middle of the night Mum and Dad Hedgehog took him to the nearby A6 between Preston and Chorley.
'OK,' said Dad Hedgehog, 'you are to walk across the road as quickly as you can all the time looking out for headlights.'
'What do I do if I see headlights?' inquired the young Harry.
'You sit perfectly still in the middle of the lane,' instructed Dad Hedgehog, while Mum Hedgehog nodded wisely. 'That way the wheels pass by on either side of you.'
Dad and Mum Hedgehog demonstrated this several times then told Harry it was his turn.
Nervously Harry scurried across the road. As he reached the far lane bright lines came rushing towards him. Harry did exactly as he was told and froze in the middle of the lane.
There came a screeching of brakes and a dreadful squelching noise.
'Blast!' exclaimed Dad Hedgehog loudly, 'when was the last time you saw a Reliant Robin on this road.'
 
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