Friday Jokes Thread

Grumpy_no_more

Grumpy_no_more

Well-known member
I've just seen an old joke on Reddit, and it reminded me it was Friday. Even though the joke is about WW2 it's topical today with Putin's invasion of Ukraine:

Roosevelt, Churchill, and Stalin want to prove that their generals have a larger sense of duty and tenacity compared to the other nations' soldiers. So they all meet on top of a skyscraper.

Roosevelt goes first, and orders his finest general to jump off the ledge, stating that it was for God and country. The general, states " Sir, you are the greatest president this country has seen, but I cannot jump over the ledge, I have a family to think of!"

Churchill goes second, and orders his finest general to jump off the ledge, stating that it was for God and country. The general, states " Sir, you are the greatest prime minister and have bravely led us through hell and back, but I cannot jump over the ledge, I have a family to think of!"

Stalin goes last, and orders his finest general to jump off the ledge, stating that it was for the greater good of the Soviet state. The general immediately jumps off the ledge, and is caught by a net a few stories down, where he is met by the three leaders.

Roosevelt and Churchill ask the Soviet general, "Why'd you jump?" The soldier grimly replies: "I have a family to think of."
 
Here's some jokes from an American comedian called Emo Phillips. He is weird.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
 
The female head of our local Boots has recently been promoted to a head office role in Nottingham with much debate about her suitability for a job which has always been held by a man.

There is much male support for her however as everyone is looking forward to seeing her crack through the glass ceiling.
 
Grumpy_no_more said:
Here's some jokes from an American comedian called Emo Phillips. He is weird.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
Click to expand...
He is odd, but very funny.

Haven't seen him on TV for a long time.
 
Not sure if this is the right place to post this.

Absolutely disgusting behaviour I saw on the beach earlier. I was on the seafront and saw a man and a woman having an almighty argument in front of loads of kids, suddenly the woman smacked the guy in the head and it all kicked off. There was a massive brawl and someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own and took his baton to the man, the guy managed to snatch it off him and began assaulting the copper AND his wife!

Then out of nowhere a crocodile crept up and stole all the sausages...
 
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. The temperature inside is 3°C and there's nothing wrong with the door.

It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” my best friend would still be alive.

Just before I die I'm going to eat some unpopped popcorn. Should liven up the cremation.
 
JJpool said:
Not sure if this is the right place to post this.

Absolutely disgusting behaviour I saw on the beach earlier. I was on the seafront and saw a man and a woman having an almighty argument in front of loads of kids, suddenly the woman smacked the guy in the head and it all kicked off. There was a massive brawl and someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own and took his baton to the man, the guy managed to snatch it off him and began assaulting the copper AND his wife!

Then out of nowhere a crocodile crept up and stole all the sausages...
Click to expand...
Starring Jamie Vardy.
 
Twelve of the finest (Unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio.

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria, I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie ( Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros is feeling great today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
 
EMPLOYEE INSULTS -

“Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”

“I would not allow this employee to breed.”

“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”

“He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”

“This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

“This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.”

“I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”

“He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”

“When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell.”

“If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”

“Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”

“If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”

“If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”

“If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”

“Takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes.”

“The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”
 
I know it's Thursday, but this needed posting tor Burns Night tonight . . .

An Englishman is being shown around a Scottish hospital.

At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:
"Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
painch tripe or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o' a grace
as lang's my arm."

The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into:
"Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit."

This continues with the next patient:
"Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,
O what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
wi' bickering brattle.
I wad be laith to run and chase thee,
wi' murdering prattle!"

"Well," the Englishman mutters to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."

"Och nay," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious Burns unit."
 
A Scotsman and his wife walk by a swanky restaurant.
Oh my god it smells absolutely gorgeous in there, says his wife.

Because the Scot was such a kindhearted person he thought he'd treat her.
They doubled back on themselves and walked past the restaurant again 😉
 
Last edited:
April13th1970 said:
I know it's Thursday, but this needed posting tor Burns Night tonight . . .

An Englishman is being shown around a Scottish hospital.

At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:
"Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
painch tripe or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o' a grace
as lang's my arm."

The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into:
"Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit."

This continues with the next patient:
"Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,
O what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
wi' bickering brattle.
I wad be laith to run and chase thee,
wi' murdering prattle!"

"Well," the Englishman mutters to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."

"Och nay," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious Burns unit."
Click to expand...
You knew what was coming but still funny 😆
 
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, and orders three pints of Guinness. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he came back to the bar and ordered three more. The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it but it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we all used to drink together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn. Just after New Year's Day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your sad loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me......I'm doing Dry January
 
Three Irish men looking at a flag pole
Mick says, “ How high do think that pole is boys.”
Seamus says:- “We’ll never know because we would never get up there.”
Paddy says. “Hang on a minute” and shoots off. Comes back with a spanner and undoes the pole from it’s base bracket, lies it flat and gets his tape measure out.
“there you go boys, 14 feet and 6 inches”
“Jesus” says Mick, “it”s the height we want, not the frickin length”
 
My wife said that she was leaving me because of my obsession with Star Wars.

I said "May divorce be with you"...

After chuckin' two bloody points away today, it well-cheered me up!😜
 
An engineer comes to work one day with a new bike.
His friend says "Cool bike. Where did you get it?"
First guy says "I was walking home through the park. A beautiful woman on a bike rode up, jumped off the bike, stripped naked, and told me to take whatever I wanted. I took the bike."

"Good call" says the friend. "The clothes wouldn't have fit anyway.
 
Top 10 Historical uses of the 'F' word...

1 - "Scattered f___ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
2 - "How the f___ did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC...
3 - "You want THAT on the f___ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
4 - "Where did all those f___ing Indians come from?" - Custer,1877
5 - "It does so f___ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
6 - "Where the f___ are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
7 - "Any f___ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
8 - "What the f___ was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9 - "I need this parade like I need a f___ing hole in the head!" - JFK,1963
10 - "Aw c'mon. Who the f___ is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton,1997
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top