Friday Jokes

[TANGERINETOWERPOWER]

Please post some crackers here as we all need cheering up. I am sure you can improve on mine....

What do you call a man who has sex with Santa?








A Ho Ho Ho-mosexual

 

[TANGERINETOWERPOWER]

My Grandad always said better out than in...great fella but dreadful cricketer

Also

My Grandad always said be up front with everybody...brilliant bloke awful goalkeeper

 

[Wizzerboy]

Seeing as its Christmas I'll share a few cracker jokes.

Who is Santa's favourite singer?
Elf-is Presley

How does good King Wenceslas like his pizza?
Deep pan, crisp and even

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsilitis

When is a boat like snow?
When it's adrift

Where's Santa's favourite place to deliver gifts in America?
Idaho ho ho

Merry Christmas everyone

 

[TANGERINETOWERPOWER]

My favourite animals are moles but my nickname The Molester isn't working out too well.

 

[Goldfinger]

Rich guy and poor guy chatting in pub about Christmas.
rich guy says I'm getting my wife a diamond necklace and a Ferrari for Christmas.If she didn't like the necklace, she can take it back to the jewellers in the Ferrari, so I'm good .
poor guy says good thinking that,I'm getting my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo. If she doesn't like the slippers she can go fxxk herself.

 

[Wizaard]

Seeing as its Christmas I'll share a few cracker jokes.

Who is Santa's favourite singer?
Elf-is Presley

How does good King Wenceslas like his pizza?
Deep pan, crisp and even

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsilitis

When is a boat like snow?
When it's adrift

Where's Santa's favourite place to deliver gifts in America?
Idaho ho ho

Merry Christmas everyone

What did the bloke get who stole an Advent Calendar?

25 days

 

[Pasty Muncher]

This will be our first Christmas dinner without grandad, but we know he'll be up there looking down on us as we tuck in.
It's his own fault for breaking the stairlift.

 

[Wizaard]

My favourite animals are moles but my nickname The Molester isn't working out too well.

In the same vein, I see Owen has got a new job as a counsellor but putting Therapist on the door isn't going well.

 

[Come on the Pool!]

 

[Come on the Pool!]

 

[Born_in_the_Fifties]

Just got back from holiday in Thailand, I came so close to shaggin' a ladyboy!

Looked like a lady, talked like a lady, walked like a lady, kissed like a lady.

It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed her car into the garage first time, I thought to myself...

Hang on a fuckin' minute!!

 

[TANGERINETOWERPOWER]

Message to all parents

Show your kids the true value of xmas by having your credit card bills addressed to them

 

[Trammo]

Aide to little Manny Macron:” President we need to get a firm in to rebuild North Dame cathedral.”
little Manny:” Ok no expense spared but make sure it is a Germany company.”
Aide:” Why does it have to be the Germans ?”
little Manny” Because they finished a thousand year Reich in just 12 years.”

 

[Beedar]

Man sitting on a public toilet straining like hell, all of a sudden he hears the sound of running footsteps across the concourse, the toilet door next to him slams shut followed by the most awful Diahorraea. Chap in bog shouts ' Oh I wish I was you ' Answer comes back ' I bet you don't mate I haven't got my trousers down yet

 

[tangerine.com]

Seeing as its Christmas I'll share a few cracker jokes.

Who is Santa's favourite singer?
Elf-is Presley

How does good King Wenceslas like his pizza?
Deep pan, crisp and even

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsilitis

When is a boat like snow?
When it's adrift

Where's Santa's favourite place to deliver gifts in America?
Idaho ho ho

Merry Christmas everyone

Groan

 

[Insider]

French confirm they will relax the restrictions on UK visitors in the event of an invasion from Germany.

 

[CAGU]

I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. The locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I’m 50.
It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

 

[CAGU]

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers……. so I did….
She’s 21 and her name’s Lucy

 

[CAGU]

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke up this morning with a huge correction

 

[premactopool]

View attachment 9335

That was less than a 100 yards from my old house in Hazlemere near High Wycombe , only moved a few months ago

 

[JJpool]

Have you heard about the tampons with tinsel on? They're for the Christmas period.

 

[rememberlesshannon]

Took my wife out to a restaurant last night. The manager said, " do you mind waiting a while " I said no.
He said " can you take these drinks to table 7 "

 

[rememberlesshannon]

Just been to the Dr's and been diagnosed with an unnatural fear of giants. Dr said it was the worst case of Fefiphobia he's every come across.

 

[Lala]

Just been to the Dr's and been diagnosed with an unnatural fear of giants. Dr said it was the worst case of Fefiphobia he's every come across.

Took me a while but got there in the end

 

[Gordon62]

Seeing as its Christmas I'll share a few cracker jokes.

Who is Santa's favourite singer?
Elf-is Presley

How does good King Wenceslas like his pizza?
Deep pan, crisp and even

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsilitis

When is a boat like snow?
When it's adrift

Where's Santa's favourite place to deliver gifts in America?
Idaho ho ho

Merry Christmas everyone

Could it be not be Santa Monica

 

[Gods honest truth]

My uncle died in his sleep. His 53 passages died screaming as they went off a cliff edge .

 

[Wetheproletariat]

I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. The locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I’m 50.
It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

I got kicked out of the local
swimming baths t’other day, I had me speedos on, I didn’t realise the ‘s’ had dropped off!

 

[Matesrates]

I went to see the doctor today, he said how did you get in?

 

[CGP1]

Doctor Doctor, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my arse.
How's that?
Don't you start.

 

[Albert Ross]

I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night, she said are you a paedophile, I said no I am not and that’s a big word for a 12 year old.

 

[rememberlesshannon]

The maker of the first geometric potractor has recently died. His wife doesn't want anyone to be sad as " he's now with the angles "

 

[Curryman]

Why couldn't Santa give his reindeer any water?





There was a ho ho hole in his bucket.

 

[Blackpool_Rox]

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?​

Frostbite.

 

[FlytoKavala]

Went to the nudist colony yesterday but it was clothed for the Winter.

 

[Paradiddle_01]

How about the dyslexic devil worshipper who puts a 'Satan Please Stop Here' sign outside the front door at Christmas.....

 

[rememberlesshannon]

Went to see a psychic the other day, he was really pleased to see me. It was all going well until I slapped him and the police arrested me for striking a happy medium.

 

[585 = never give up]

A ham sandwich goes into a bar and orders a pint of larger.
The bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve food in here".

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

 

[CAGU]

On my way back from Cardiff, How can you not love a country like Wales

Where else can you get a shag, a casserole and a pullover out of one animal!