Very serious Question How do you cope with such news?

XBeds-Now-Kings_Meaburn

XBeds-Now-Kings_Meaburn

Well-known member
On Thursday at 7:30pm My father informed Myself & my 2 sisters that he'd just been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer ,earlier today he confirmed that he has been given Months rather than years to live . Obviously I'm devastated by this news and am struggling to cope emotionally .
Any sound advice from those that have sadly experienced similar would be welcome . As many of you will know I live alone with my dogs & nearest relative is 250+ miles away . Thank you in advance .
 
XBeds-Now-Kings_Meaburn said:
On Thursday at 7:30pm My father informed Myself & my 2 sisters that he'd just been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer ,earlier today he confirmed that he has been given Months rather than years to live . Obviously I'm devastated by this news and am struggling to cope emotionally .
Any sound advice from those that have sadly experienced similar would be welcome . As many of you will know I live alone with my dogs & nearest relative is 250+ miles away . Thank you in advance .
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Really sorry to hear that. I’m sure there’s many on here you can talk to including me although I have no experience in the subject. Sure I’ve told you before but I sit next to you at home games.
 
XBeds-Now-Kings_Meaburn said:
On Thursday at 7:30pm My father informed Myself & my 2 sisters that he'd just been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer ,earlier today he confirmed that he has been given Months rather than years to live . Obviously I'm devastated by this news and am struggling to cope emotionally .
Any sound advice from those that have sadly experienced similar would be welcome . As many of you will know I live alone with my dogs & nearest relative is 250+ miles away . Thank you in advance .
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I'm not sure what advise i can give you, but i lost my mother in law last year with stage 4 Brain cancer and it was really tough. My heart goes out to you and your family in this really tough time for you all. 🧡
 
XBeds-Now-Kings_Meaburn said:
On Thursday at 7:30pm My father informed Myself & my 2 sisters that he'd just been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer ,earlier today he confirmed that he has been given Months rather than years to live . Obviously I'm devastated by this news and am struggling to cope emotionally .
Any sound advice from those that have sadly experienced similar would be welcome . As many of you will know I live alone with my dogs & nearest relative is 250+ miles away . Thank you in advance .
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Very sorry to hear this. It is indeed a horrible situation to be in. I faced very similar circumstances when my mother died a few years ago.
Looking back now I actually think I felt worse in the first couple of weeks after I got the news (Sorry I am sure you don’t need to hear that right now!).
After this there was always a lot to do and to sort out. When she actually died it was something of a relief for a while, followed I suppose inevitably by some more grieving, which sometimes kicks in albeit briefly even now.
Macmillan were great, and I have heard CRUSE can be useful for counselling (I am afraid I think I mainly used beer therapy at the time - not right for all of us!).
I hope you can stay strong for your dad. All the best fella!
 
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Listening to any advice may well bring you comfort.

The only thing I will say and I sincerely hope you take this in the right way.
Thank god your father only has months to endure this horrible disease.
I watched my mother, over a period of years, go from someone who had the same physique as Hattie Jaques to someone who looked like they'd just been released from Auschwitz, and it was ** horrible 😔

If you find yourself on your own there are cancer charities that will always listen to you AND tell you what you need to know.

I hope you get through this and that your father is as pain free as possible 🙏
 
Sorry for your sad news . 3 yrs ago my 31yr old daughter was told she had secondary ovarian cancer and had st best 3 yrs as it happened she only laster 10 months it was devastating watching her die. The only advice I can give is spend as much time as possible with your dad and do anything he has always wanted to do if he can pyhsically do it the do it with him and just be there as much as you can for him and any other family members
 
Lost my mum to ovarian cancer in 2009 so have some perspective

My only advice is keep in touch ,if not face to face by phone zoom etc.

As other have said its a horrible disease she had 2 years from diagnosis until the end

That gave time to max out my credit cards ++ to pay for family holiday in Spain- financially goosed me but very glad we did it

Also this time is important to have conversations, or just spend time.As the disease progresses people become more frail, sick and tired .The end,as somebody else said can be a relief

Look after yourself this is going to be hard for you
 
XBeds-Now-Kings_Meaburn said:
On Thursday at 7:30pm My father informed Myself & my 2 sisters that he'd just been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer ,earlier today he confirmed that he has been given Months rather than years to live . Obviously I'm devastated by this news and am struggling to cope emotionally .
Any sound advice from those that have sadly experienced similar would be welcome . As many of you will know I live alone with my dogs & nearest relative is 250+ miles away . Thank you in advance .
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I lost my mum to cancer when I was just 17 she was just 43 years old.
I just didn’t know how I was going to cope with life being just a teenager but as they say ‘life goes on’
I had a further setback just a few years later when my Dad died also from the big C he was in his mid 50’s.
You do cope with such tragedies you simply have to for the sake of your deceased parents and other family members they need you’re support like you need theirs.
Life can be so cruel sometimes and you get the feeling someone up there has got it in for you but you take it on the chin and come back even stronger.
 
My dad kept it quiet and the first we knew was when he was in hospital on the verge of dying. I wish we could have shared the available time better with him. Therefore as trite as it sounds, if the opportunity was there I would try to make the most of the time available whilst keeping things as normal as possible. I'm sure you'll find your way XBeds and as said above, this forum can be a surprisingly good place to share your thoughts and feelings. All the very best to you and your Dad and family 👍
 
I'm biased but I would strongly advise finding a counselor who you are comfortable with and working through your feelings with them. Also If you have a close friend who you can call at anytime that would be good too. Don't try and go through this alone.
 
XBeds-Now-Kings_Meaburn said:
On Thursday at 7:30pm My father informed Myself & my 2 sisters that he'd just been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer ,earlier today he confirmed that he has been given Months rather than years to live . Obviously I'm devastated by this news and am struggling to cope emotionally .
Any sound advice from those that have sadly experienced similar would be welcome . As many of you will know I live alone with my dogs & nearest relative is 250+ miles away . Thank you in advance .
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It is not easy at all to receive such news. I had the same experience with my father where he was only given a few months to live after his diagnosis. I know you may find this difficult to understand but, retrospectively, in some ways it was a blessing to know my father had only a short time left as it gave us an opportunity to do somethings that we never had got around to doing otherwise - we even booked him some flying lessons as he had a lifelong passion for aviation.

It wasn't easy but my advice would be to cherish the time left and to address any concerns your father may have as best you can. My father was worried about my mum so I spent time with dad to make sure we would look after as best we could.

DM me if you want to.
 
What a sad post Ian, my thoughts are with your father, yourself and your sisters. My stepdad died of cancer in a very short time, and I found the best thing to do was to remain cheerful in front of him. The Macmillan Nurses are a great help in supporting both sufferers and family and it may be worth contacting them. I have dealt with them a number of times when i was working in the Nursing Home business and always found them to be great.

www.macmillan.org.uk

Supporting someone with cancer - Macmillan Cancer Support

When a partner, family member, friend or colleague has cancer, there can be a lot to think about. Find information to help you cope with the practical and emotional impacts.
www.macmillan.org.uk www.macmillan.org.uk
 
bollieboy said:
It is not easy at all to receive such news. I had the same experience with my father where he was only given a few months to live after his diagnosis. I know you may find this difficult to understand but, retrospectively, in some ways it was a blessing to know my father had only a short time left as it gave us an opportunity to do somethings that we never had got around to doing otherwise - we even booked him some flying lessons as he had a lifelong passion for aviation.

It wasn't easy but my advice would be to cherish the time left and to address any concerns your father may have as best you can. My father was worried about my mum so I spent time with dad to make sure we would look after as best we could.

DM me if you want to.
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Great post Bollie.

My father was first diagnosed with bowel cancer 26 years ago and we thought he'd beaten it but in 2001 it came back in his liver and from then we knew it was only a matter of time.

He lasted another 18 months, we laughed, we cried but most importantly we managed to say everything we needed to say to one another.

In the end his passing came more as a blessing than a trauma. His suffering was over as was the pain we felt watching him deteriorate so quickly.

He was 64, my biggest regret in life is that he never lived to see any of his grandchildren the first arriving 13 months after he died.

Thoughts with you Ian. 🧡
 
XBeds-Now-Kings_Meaburn said:
On Thursday at 7:30pm My father informed Myself & my 2 sisters that he'd just been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer ,earlier today he confirmed that he has been given Months rather than years to live . Obviously I'm devastated by this news and am struggling to cope emotionally .
Any sound advice from those that have sadly experienced similar would be welcome . As many of you will know I live alone with my dogs & nearest relative is 250+ miles away . Thank you in advance .
Click to expand...
Very sorry to hear this, incredibly difficult time for you I'm sure. I have just been through a similar situation with my dad who was given two years to live with prostate cancer which the doctors thought had spread to his bones. Long story short it was a misdiagnosis and he is now being treated with radiotherapy. Bottom line is though it is a terrible shock to receive this kind of news. The only thing I can say is try and stay positive and not let this news affect your own health. Try and stay away from the booze and get some exercise. It's easy to go into a tailspin at times like this, you have to resist.
 
So sorry to hear ure news... Great replies and advice tho fellow seasiders.

I can't help as lost my mum (55) and dad (70) overnight.. so haven't experienced your situation. Although if I was i would try and spend as much time as possible with him taking about all them happy memories... that's what I would do anyway.... just try and stay positive... ure dad would want that.
 
XBeds-Now-Kings_Meaburn said:
On Thursday at 7:30pm My father informed Myself & my 2 sisters that he'd just been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer ,earlier today he confirmed that he has been given Months rather than years to live . Obviously I'm devastated by this news and am struggling to cope emotionally .
Any sound advice from those that have sadly experienced similar would be welcome . As many of you will know I live alone with my dogs & nearest relative is 250+ miles away . Thank you in advance .
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Really sorry to hear this. Cancer is an absolute fecker of a disease.

My dad broke the news to me that he also had months to live after his throat cancer came back with vengeance and started spreading. That was 5 years ago and he died 12 months later. Was horrible seeing him deteriorate but he was determined to carry on as best he could and that's how me and my family coped as well. His grandkids visited as normal, my mum was his main carer but he also had brilliant support from the fantastic St Catherine's. As a family we all helped and went on days out when he was feeling well enough and in a weird kind of way I've got brilliant memories of his last year - he kept good humour and we chatted about what his funeral would be like and I promised to look after mum along with sorting out Bill's etc along with being executor of his estate.

If I could offer one word of advice it's to try and enjoy as best you can the time you've got left together along with being their emotionally and practically if that's at all possible.
 
First, my sincere condolences XBeds. I had a similar situation with my own dad last year. I dealt with it by being there for him whenever I could be and offering him and my mum, who was also struggling with her health, as much support as I could. Whilst it is incredibly sad and emotionally and mentally painful, it doesn't have to be all doom and gloom. I tried to stay positive. There will hopefully still be time to create new memories and do things that he has always wanted to do (bucket list ideas maybe). Wishing you and your dad all the best 👍
 
I lost my dad in 1992 when I was only 30, sister in 2003, many years too soon, and my mum in 2011. It's one of life's biggest challenges. I think we learn a little how to cope with each loss, but it doesn't get much easier.

Stuff I've read in recent years I find helpful. Like the basic principles of Stoicism, and Buddhism too. These are thousands of years old but are just as relevant and useful today. And are making a come back. Our experience of everything that happens to us is a mental process, and depends on how we process our experiences. We can't control what goes on around us, but we can manage our responses. There are different ways to view what is happening to your dad and different ways to respond to and experience it. Dont run away from your thoughts and feelings. Confront them. Choose how you want to respond. Be thankful for everything you can be. Make the most of what you still can. And accept that we are all mortal. My dad mum and sister still live in my memories.

Try reading things relevant to the situation, it can be really beneficial hearing how others cope and knowing others understand the way you feel.
 
XBeds-Now-Kings_Meaburn said:
On Thursday at 7:30pm My father informed Myself & my 2 sisters that he'd just been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer ,earlier today he confirmed that he has been given Months rather than years to live . Obviously I'm devastated by this news and am struggling to cope emotionally .
Any sound advice from those that have sadly experienced similar would be welcome . As many of you will know I live alone with my dogs & nearest relative is 250+ miles away . Thank you in advance .
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Really sorry for your news.

Same thing as my Dad in 2016, he died in 2017, the one thing I would advise is spend as much time as possible with him, my Dad was admitted to AMU and I was there most of the day, someone advised me to go home for some sleep and he died while I was at home, a day doesn't go by that I hugely regret going home that night, one more ** night and he wouldn't have died alone.

Apart from that, no real advice, it's shit and there's no way out of it being shit, sorry.

Edit - Oh, some more advice, ALWAYS get a second and third opinion on any advice, some doctors are wankers.
 
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Honest answer as best as you can, lost my mum a few years back after a long battle, even though you know it is coming nothing can prepare you for the day. Try and get out if possible and do something they really like doing, took mum to Lytham Proms to see Tom Jones with me and the grand kids, such a happy memory I am so glad we did it, keep strong that is what they would want.
 
Lytham_fy8 said:
Really sorry for your news.

Same thing as my Dad in 2016, he died in 2017, the one thing I would advise is spend as much time as possible with him, my Dad was admitted to AMU and I was there most of the day, someone advised me to go home for some sleep and he died while I was at home, a day doesn't go by that I hugely regret going home that night, one more ** night and he wouldn't have died alone.

Apart from that, no real advice, it's shit and there's no way out of it being shit, sorry.

Edit - Oh, some more advice, ALWAYS get a second and third opinion on any advice, some doctors are wankers.
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You should try not to carry regrets around that fester guilt. Especially when it isn’t warranted or valid guilt 😟
 
Sorry to hear your news, Ian. If there's anything I can do let me know.

The only advice I would give is spend as much time with him as possible. My Dad passed away during lockdown and my sister and I only saw him a couple of times in the last year.
 
Wizaard said:
Sorry to hear your news, Ian. If there's anything I can do let me know.

The only advice I would give is spend as much time with him as possible. My Dad passed away during lockdown and my sister and I only saw him a couple of times in the last year.
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Same advice from me. My dad is in end of life care in a hospital bed at home for some months now. He hasn't got cancer but slowly his whole body is shutting down. Spend as much time with him as you can.
 
So sorry to hear, life is very hard, particularly with you away up in Cumbria.

My good friend was diagnosed stage 4 last September, and passed away in March. She and I spent hours talking, and we were close enough that she could say what she really wanted. That was for everyone to keep talking to her, she didn't care if they said something daft or inappropriate. She wanted to be looked in the eye, even when she felt dreadful with the treatment and loss of hair. She said the best gift anyone could give her was their time.

You have your life and your business to run, but spend as much time with him as you can, don't worry too much about what you say. Talk on the phone when you can.

For you personally, really take advantage of those you know well on here, they would love to hear from you and if it ever gets too much, there are loads on here, myself included, who are always happy to talk if you DM. Dog walking helps, too :)
 
I’m sorry, it’s such a tough thing to have to go through, especially with you feeling rather isolated and not able to be with your dad. My mum was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in March 2016 and died in September, 6 months later so I understand to some degree what you’re going through.
I told mum that I would fully support her with any decisions that she made (she couldn’t cope with chemotherapy after having one round and felt pressured somewhat into having it further) and became her spokesperson.
My piece of advice is to try and put on a brave face without getting too upset if your dad wants to talk about dying (it’s hard though..I know.) He might want to discuss his funeral arrangements or where he wants to die (at home perhaps, if that’s a possibility. Macmillan nurses are brilliant, as are the District nurses too.)
Our thoughts are with you. 🧡
 
In circumstances like this, places like AVFTT can really help. Whilst some of us know each other (I've shared a train compartment with Ian across Russia and Mongolia), there is a degree of anominty which makes it easier to open up and say what you feel and that is a good thing.
I always remember Old Stokie posting on the Twoview (Awag) site the day his wife died because he knew he could just freely unload on us.
 
XBeds-Now-Kings_Meaburn said:
On Thursday at 7:30pm My father informed Myself & my 2 sisters that he'd just been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer ,earlier today he confirmed that he has been given Months rather than years to live . Obviously I'm devastated by this news and am struggling to cope emotionally .
Any sound advice from those that have sadly experienced similar would be welcome . As many of you will know I live alone with my dogs & nearest relative is 250+ miles away . Thank you in advance .
Click to expand...
Make the most of every day. They will stay with you forever, noone can take that away.
 
Lytham_fy8 said:
Really sorry for your news.

Same thing as my Dad in 2016, he died in 2017, the one thing I would advise is spend as much time as possible with him, my Dad was admitted to AMU and I was there most of the day, someone advised me to go home for some sleep and he died while I was at home, a day doesn't go by that I hugely regret going home that night, one more ** night and he wouldn't have died alone.

Apart from that, no real advice, it's shit and there's no way out of it being shit, sorry.

Edit - Oh, some more advice, ALWAYS get a second and third opinion on any advice, some doctors are wankers.
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Sorry to read this Lytham.
Agree completely about some doctors though..arrogant and incompetent…
 
So sorry to read your very sad news, I know what you are going through and I wouldn’t wish the experience on anyone else. I lost my elder brother to cancer 5 years ago, he’s 2 years older than I am and 20 months ago I lost my father.
Everyone is different in how they cope with things and I wouldn’t want to tell you what to do. I found that my faith helped me a lot and being able to visit my brother (he lived in the Isle of Man but was in hospital on the Wirral so I managed to drive over from the Norfolk coast to visit him a couple of times and see him go down so quickly was heart wrenching.
My father had been I’ll for about 18 months and went down hill fairly fast after my
Mother had to go into a nursing home in Arnside due to dementia, he felt very guilty that he was not able to look after her at home. He became bed bound for about the last 6 months of his life. He lived close to Carnforth and I tried to stay with him every other weekend whenever possible and my son and daughter-in-law, who live in Doncaster, stayed with him the weekends I couldn’t get. I am glad I went to stay with him whenever I could although it was very upsetting to see him determinate like he did. He died on 22nd December aged 89.
Just a little advice, give your father plenty of love and let him know you are thinking of him and love him. But most important of all, look after yourself, you wouldn’t want him worrying about you at this sad time.
I hope you are OK and your father doesn’t suffer or be in any pain during these last few months of his life.
Take care 👍❤️
 
So sorry to hear this Ian. Sadly it’s something we all have to go through as we get older although I know that won’t help much at this point.

As others have said the most important thing now is to spend as much time as you can with your dad. If face to face isn’t possible because of the distance then on the phone or via email. The most precious commodity now is time and time spent talking to each other. Get him to chat about his memories; his childhood; his time with your mum. Not only will it help him but it’ll help you as well. And you’ll probably learn things you never knew. As we get older we become more interested in our family histories and it’s only then you realise the people who could’ve told you stuff and answered your questions are no longer around.

It won’t take the pain away. But it may soften it and give you something to look back on with some happiness.

Take care
 
Sorry to read this , you must be feeling pretty numb just now , life’s so unfair at times .

Keep your head up and just be there for him in any way you can .

There’s still time to make memories with him , no matter what you’ll always have them .
 
What a thread.

There are so many examples of 'how' people cope with facing someone's mortality; but each death is unique; and as hard as it is, mostly we do cope.

Personally, when my mum was poorly I never skirted around the issue, we faced it head on. Due to her circumstances, there was never anything left unsaid; we knew what we meant to each other. Every single day of my life with her and they single day of my life without her, we knew we loved one another. I'm so glad I said it all.

You'll be an orphan when he dies, that will affect you. It's not wrong to feel that way, irrespective of how old you are.

Try not to let the diagnosis and prognosis stop anything you'd planned to do.

Try not to let it be the only topic of conversation.

Help him live life until he can't anymore.

Ask all the questions you've ever wanted answering.

Film yourselves together. I wish I could have had more films of my mum. To hear her voice remains a comfort and makes me smile.

I've got clothes of my mum's which are tightly wrapped and I can still, just about smell her on them. I don't get them out often, but once in a while, it's there. Does he have a favourite aftershave? My mum used Oil of Ulay, and musk - every now and again I'll get a whiff from somewhere and it will stop me in my tracks. And it's beautiful.

Accept the sadness, it's normal.

Accept the grief too. Accept that you may well have anticipatory grief. Grieving for what's to come before it happens.

Accept that there will be good days and bad days.

But all that said, don't put pressure on yourself to be anything which isn't you. You've spent your whole life being his son; carry on being his son.

And lastly, I hope you both find the strength to face death and not be afraid of it and the comfort which comes from loving one another.
 
Hey Ian, so sorry to hear your news, it's a really difficult thing to deal with. You know I had the same back in 2007 as you were one of my friends who helped me through it so if you want to chat at anytime just give me a call or I'll call you if you want?

My dad had lung cancer and I knew it would get him in the end, but he had his treatments and they said he had done really well, only to deteriorate fast almost as soon as they had said that and he was suddenly gone within 10 days. Try and be with him as much as you can, I know you have your dogs to consider but I'm sure you can work something out and they will be a massive help to you going through this and afterwards.

Get family around, go somewhere nice and reminisce together, we did that and it was amazing.

Thoughts are with you mate, if I can do anything to help please give me a call.
 
Lytham_fy8 said:
Really sorry for your news.

Same thing as my Dad in 2016, he died in 2017, the one thing I would advise is spend as much time as possible with him, my Dad was admitted to AMU and I was there most of the day, someone advised me to go home for some sleep and he died while I was at home, a day doesn't go by that I hugely regret going home that night, one more ** night and he wouldn't have died alone.

Apart from that, no real advice, it's shit and there's no way out of it being shit, sorry.

Edit - Oh, some more advice, ALWAYS get a second and third opinion on any advice, some doctors are wankers.
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You can't beat yourself up over that Lyth. I had the same. I went home on the night my father died, I had a feeling he wasn't going to make it through the night but I went home. The hospital were absolutely crap throughout his stay in hospital, the only time I have ever had any complaints about the NHS but they were seriously lacking in care and information and I would have stayed the night if they had told me he was likely to pass that night. The one thing I take away from that night is that as I was leaving I had hold of his hand and told him I loved him and he told me too. That was the ONLY time we had ever said it to each other and were our last words to each other. We were so close, we never had to say it, it was a given. I wish I hadn't left him alone but there is nothing I could do to turn back the clock. I think of him every day and I will never forget the final whistle at Wembley in 2010 I broke down in uncontrollable tears because all I could think about how much dad would have loved to have been there and I felt he was with me watching.
 
Lytham_fy8 said:
Really sorry for your news.

Same thing as my Dad in 2016, he died in 2017, the one thing I would advise is spend as much time as possible with him, my Dad was admitted to AMU and I was there most of the day, someone advised me to go home for some sleep and he died while I was at home, a day doesn't go by that I hugely regret going home that night, one more ** night and he wouldn't have died alone.

Apart from that, no real advice, it's shit and there's no way out of it being shit, sorry.

Edit - Oh, some more advice, ALWAYS get a second and third opinion on any advice, some doctors are wankers.
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Lytham, not your fault, but I fully understand your torment.

My Mum was in a care home in Blackpool, literally 500 yards from my sister's house. She had been unwell for a while, and I used to see her every Saturday before a match if at home and before visiting an Aunt of my wife's who was in a home in Knott End. The last time I saw her, I was rather concerned for her well being but had faith in the home letting either my sister or me know if death was imminent. I had spoken to the Matron prior to leaving to ensure she had both our phone numbers, and had informed my sister of my concerns. Our mother died in the early evening on that Saturday and the first we knew about it was when they rang my sister the following morning. I will never forgive that Matron for her causing so much upset in out family.

Bitch is too nice a word for her, you sound as though you did all you could.
 
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