Edinburgh fringe funniest joke

M

Matesrates

Well-known member
This was voted the funniest

I tried to steal spaghetti from a shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn’t get pasta.

If that’s the funniest, I dread to think what the rest were like, and why female guard? Am I missing something, or does making it female make it somehow funnier.?
 
We went to the Fringe a few years ago and I could have told better jokes than some of them, same last weekend at a festival, out of about 6 comedians we saw 5 were terrible & it wasn’t just us who thought that, as the lack of laughs & applause backed it up.
 
Sooty59 said:
We went to the Fringe a few years ago and I could have told better jokes than some of them, same last weekend at a festival, out of about 6 comedians we saw 5 were terrible & it wasn’t just us who thought that, as the lack of laughs & applause backed it up.
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But they're out there giving it a go, that's the point, some are great, some are shit.
 
Some miserable buggers on this.

Btw, they have to be clean jokes.

Anyway.

I used to work in the Tax Office. A woman came in one day. She had a £20 note in her left ear, and a £20 note in her right ear.
I turned to my mate, and he said oh it's HER again.

She's £40 in arrears.



Will someone please explain this to matesrates?
 
Ollygon said:
Some miserable buggers on this.

Btw, they have to be clean jokes.

Anyway.

I used to work in the Tax Office. A woman came in one day. She had a £20 note in her left ear, and a £20 note in her right ear.
I turned to my mate, and he said oh it's HER again.

She's £40 in arrears.



Will someone please explain this to matesrates?
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Much better than the winner
 
These were the top 10 for this year

1. "I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta" - Masai Graham
2. "Did you know, if you get pregnant in the Amazon, it's next-day delivery" - Mark Simmons
3. "My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock" - Olaf Falafel
4. "By my age, my parents had a house and a family, and to be fair to me, so do I - but it is the same house and it is the same family" - Hannah Fairweather
5. "I hate funerals - I'm not a mourning person" - Will Mars
6. "I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that's four hours of my life that I'm definitely getting back" - Olaf Falafel
7. "I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx" - Richard Pulsford
8. "I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery" - Tim Vine
9. "Don't knock threesomes. Having a threesome is like hiring an intern to do all the jobs you hate" - Sophie Duker
10. "I can't even be bothered to be apathetic these days" - Will Duggan
 
A guy was pulled over driving his truck and the policeman said “why have you got penguins in your truck?”

“they are my penguins”

”you need to take them to a zoo” said the policeman

The next day, the officer pulled him over again and said “I told you to take them to the zoo”

”I did, I’m taking them to the beach today”
 
How many telesales callers does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but he can only do it when you're about to have your tea.
 
Matesrates said:
A guy was pulled over driving his truck and the policeman said “why have you got penguins in your truck?”

“they are my penguins”

”you need to take them to a zoo” said the policeman

The next day, the officer pulled him over again and said “I told you to take them to the zoo”

”I did, I’m taking them to the beach today”
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That made me laugh out loud 😀
 
Trammo said:
Koko has been feeling anxious and goes to see his shrink Dr. Coarse Les.
Koko: “ Doctor every time see my father I have a panic attack. What’s going on ?”
Doctor: “Sounds like you have an acute case of formidophobia.”
Koko:” Eh ? Formidophobia?What’s that ?”
Doctor: “ A fear of scarecrows.More common that people think. Avoid him till he pops his clogs is the only remedy.”
Koko:” Er yeah Doc ok. Umm another thing when I see people wearing brown pants I smell....”😀
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I saw the best scarecrow ever at weekend

It was outstanding in it's field
 
Ollygon said:
Some miserable buggers on this.

Btw, they have to be clean jokes.

Anyway.

I used to work in the Tax Office. A woman came in one day. She had a £20 note in her left ear, and a £20 note in her right ear.
I turned to my mate, and he said oh it's HER again.

She's £40 in arrears.



Will someone please explain this to matesrates?
Click to expand...
Why does it need to be explained to Mates? This'll be a different woman. The one in the shop is working and will be on PAYE, so won't be in arrears.
 
Ollygon said:
These were the top 10 for this year

1. "I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta" - Masai Graham
2. "Did you know, if you get pregnant in the Amazon, it's next-day delivery" - Mark Simmons
3. "My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock" - Olaf Falafel
4. "By my age, my parents had a house and a family, and to be fair to me, so do I - but it is the same house and it is the same family" - Hannah Fairweather
5. "I hate funerals - I'm not a mourning person" - Will Mars
6. "I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that's four hours of my life that I'm definitely getting back" - Olaf Falafel
7. "I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx" - Richard Pulsford
8. "I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery" - Tim Vine
9. "Don't knock threesomes. Having a threesome is like hiring an intern to do all the jobs you hate" - Sophie Duker
10. "I can't even be bothered to be apathetic these days" - Will Duggan
Click to expand...
I've heard funnier "Dad Jokes" than these

Clearly this year's festival was Sub Pa
 
Matesrates said:
This was voted the funniest

I tried to steal spaghetti from a shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn’t get pasta.

If that’s the funniest, I dread to think what the rest were like, and why female guard? Am I missing something, or does making it female make it somehow funnier.?
Click to expand...
Matesrates said:
This was voted the funniest

I tried to steal spaghetti from a shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn’t get pasta.

If that’s the funniest, I dread to think what the rest were like, and why female guard? Am I missing something, or does making it female make it somehow funnier.?
Click to expand...
Was that out of a Christmas cracker?
 
Matesrates said:
A guy was pulled over driving his truck and the policeman said “why have you got penguins in your truck?”

“they are my penguins”

”you need to take them to a zoo” said the policeman

The next day, the officer pulled him over again and said “I told you to take them to the zoo”

”I did, I’m taking them to the beach today”
Click to expand...
Corny
 
Ollygon said:
Some miserable buggers on this.

Btw, they have to be clean jokes.

Anyway.

I used to work in the Tax Office. A woman came in one day. She had a £20 note in her left ear, and a £20 note in her right ear.
I turned to my mate, and he said oh it's HER again.

She's £40 in arrears.



Will someone please explain this to matesrates?
Click to expand...

This joke would work equally badly with the gender being a male or neutral.
By the way, the biggest laugh in this joke is the idea that someone in a tax office was working. Have you tried getting through to hmrc on the phones lately? 🤔
 
This is one of my self made jokes - though I’m not sure it’s suitable for the Edinburgh minge shaving festival or whatever it is they’re doing up (or down) there.

Ok here goes ——-

‘I’ve found a way to chat up women without them feeling uncomfortable. Basically I just tell them ‘I’m A-sexual’.
I find it’s much better than telling them the truth - that ‘I’m A Sexual Predator’.
 
They had Dave Spikey on the radio yesterday talking about jokes & he said that wasn’t really a joke but a pun, it certainly didn’t make me laugh at all. But he went on to tell a short story about someone showing off their pub, he said there’s the bar built circa 1940 & went to another room where there were lots of bulls heads on the walls, that big bugger up there killed my dad he said, was he a matador was the reply, no it fell on his head. 😂😂😂 we’ll it made me laugh when he told it.
 
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