Edinburgh fringe funniest joke

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.

The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place.

At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
 
April13th1970 said:
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.

The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place.

At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
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🤦🏻‍♂️🤣
 
Bloke walked into a pub and said “whisky please landlord and one for yourself“

“Cheers“said the landlord, “thank you very much”

They downed them and he ordered and another with one for the landlord

This went on for another 4 rounds and the landlord said, “that’s been great, but it’s closing time, so you owe me £42”

The guy said “I haven’t any money”

”what” said the landlord “you’ve drunk all night and bought me whisky and you knew you had no money”

”sorry” said the guy

Landlords round the bar, beats three bells (no pun intende) out of the guy, throws him out and says “you’re barred, don’t come back”

A week later the guy strolls back in and says “whisky please landlord“

Landlord says, “oh, and one for myself I suppose“

”not likely“ says the guy “you get nasty when you’ve had a drink”
 
Guy goes into a pub, landlord says, “hi there, what can I get for you”

”thanks, I’ll have a brandy please”

”there you go, that’s £3.75 please”

”hmm, you said you were getting me the drink”

”come on, that’s just a turn of phrase, you owe me £3.75”

A suit stood at the bar, turns and says “I’m a solicitor, and to be honest, he is legally correct “

”right” said the landlord “drink up, leave and don’t come back, you’re barred”

Next week the guy walks in and the landlord says, ”hey, you’re barred“

Guy says, sorry, you’ve got the wrong person, I’ve never been in here before”

Landlord says “well you must have a double“

”right, I’ll have a double brandy and no arguing this time”
 
Old one but I always struggle to tell it for laughing.
Guy bails out of a plane & can’t get his chute to open, when he passes another man in a boiler suit going up, Oi do you know anything about parachutes? No came the answer but do you know anything about gas cookers? 😂😂😂😂
 
Malced said:
This is one of my self made jokes - though I’m not sure it’s suitable for the Edinburgh minge shaving festival or whatever it is they’re doing up (or down) there.

Ok here goes ——-

‘I’ve found a way to chat up women without them feeling uncomfortable. Basically I just tell them ‘I’m A-sexual’.
I find it’s much better than telling them the truth - that ‘I’m A Sexual Predator’.
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I like it…good family joke 👍
 
Bloke walks into a pub with a pork pie sellotaped to his head.

Barman, you do know you've got a pork pie sellotaped to your head?
Bloke, yeh, I do it every Tuesday
Barman, today is Thursday
Bloke, shit I must look like a right dick🤦🏻‍♂️
 
Two budgies sat on a perch.
One says to the other, can you smell fish?

Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says to the other, does this taste funny?

Bloke crying at a gravestone, why did you have to die, why did you have to die?
Person passing comments I've noticed your sorrow was it someone close.
No, says the bloke, it was the wife's 1st husband.

Mate said he once got his dog to bring back a stick he threw 10 miles away.
I said that's a bit far fetched
 
Two men playing golf.

They're just about to tee off on the 5th in their midweek social game and a funeral cortege passes on the nearby lane.

The man teeing off stops mid-swing, takes off his cap and bows his head.

'That's very respectful' says his playing partner.

'She was a good wife to me' is the response.
 
Went for a Chinese last night and ended up chatting to the waiter.
He told me that he used to be a kamikaze pilot in the war and his code name was chow mein.
I thought kamikaze pilots always committed suicide on their flights, I said.
That is true he said but I was chicken chow mein!!
 
Asked a mate did he know what Murphys law was.
He said yes, if something can go wrong it will go wrong.
I then asked did he know what Cole's law was.
He said no what's that?
I said thinly sliced cabbage, carrots and mayo!!😁
 
I walked past the Blackpool FC Hotel the other day.

There was a Dalek outside apparently wanting to go into the Spa.

It kept shouting

Exfoliate
Exfoliate
 
What's the difference between the Black Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?

The Black Eyed Peas sing us a good song whereas Chickpeas hum us one.
 
Wizzerboy said:
Went for a Chinese last night and ended up chatting to the waiter.
He told me that he used to be a kamikaze pilot in the war and his code name was chow mein.
I thought kamikaze pilots always committed suicide on their flights, I said.
That is true he said but I was chicken chow mein!!
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Wizzerboy said:
Went for a Chinese last night and ended up chatting to the waiter.
He told me that he used to be a kamikaze pilot in the war and his code name was chow mein.
I thought kamikaze pilots always committed suicide on their flights, I said.
That is true he said but I was chicken chow mein!!
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Why was a Japanese war veteran working as a waiter in a Chinese restaurant?
 
I met a girl at the swimming baths.
I asked if I could duck her.............
she said you can't even say it right.
 
A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it.

He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.

When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin". He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the bloody "e" out, you've left the bloody "e" out!"

The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning. Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason: "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".

The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud: "E, she were thin".
 
So a bunch of old rock and rollers got jobs working in a road gang.

Every day they would turn up on site in their crepes and drapes and set to work digging as though their lives depended on it.

Until one day they turned up and all their picks were gone. Nowhere to be seen.

Perplexed they complained to the foreman who said "Oh yeah, they've been stolen. I've been expecting this".

"Why have you been expecting it?" chorused our bequiffed heroes.

"Don't you know?" exclaimed the foreman. "Today's the day the Teddy Boys have their picks nicked".
 
April13th1970 said:
Because "Boo" is aboriginal Australian for "Come Back", A Meringue doesn't come back but a Bo-Meringue is a Meringue that come back
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Thanks April, you have saved me the trouble of trying to work that out later on, I'd still be working on it at Xmas if you hadn't told me.

I can't say that I'm impressed as others appeared to be with that rather cryptic joke, I don't know if that's because I'm a stupid or miserable James Hunt.
 
SEASIDE2020 said:
Thanks April, you have saved me the trouble of trying to work that out later on, I'd still be working on it at Xmas if you hadn't told me.

I can't say that I'm impressed as others appeared to be with that rather cryptic joke, I don't know if that's because I'm a stupid or miserable James Hunt.
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No problem, we all have a different sense of humour.

For Example, I've never found stuff like Little Britain and Ricky Gervais remotely funny
 
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