Friday joke time (early)

An old cowboy goes into the barber shop for a shave.

He tells the barber, “I’m lookin for a clean shave. All these wrinkles on my face from old age, the sun and the wind, I haven’t had a close, clean shave in years.”

The barber hands him a wooden ball and says, “Stick this in your cheek, like a squirrel.”

The old cowboy does as he is told and the wrinkles are stretched out smooth so the barber starts shaving. Then he switches to the other cheek and finishes the shave.

The barber hands the old cowboy a towel and the cowboy returns the wooden ball saying, “Wow, I haven’t had a shave that close in many years. Got a question for you though. What would have happened if I'd swallowed the ball?”

The barber quickly answers, “I reckon you'd have brought it back in a couple days, like everyone else does.”
 
I went to Aldi today and ended up buying beans, bread, ham and a gammon joint. I only popped in for a set of golf clubs!
 
When I was just a little boy, I asked my father where we were going on our summer holiday.

He said to me that he was taking us all to Crete and that we'd be going out to see a leper colony on one of the days.

I was dead excited 'coz I'd seen some lepers in Ben Hur, which was my favourite film back in the (late) fifties.

To cut a long story short, the day eventually came and we took a short boat trip to go and see the leper colony, which was on one of the smaller islands nearby.

Blow me, what a bloody let down that day was - all the lepers had buggered off a year or two earlier, according to Yannis the boat driver.

Believe it or not, I've forgotten the name of the damned leper island!

Spinalonga time since I've felt so let down, tha' knows...
 
fcblackpool said:
Persuaded the wife to go on holiday to the Caribbean. Jamaica? No she went of her own accord.

We got back and I booked a city break. Genoa? Yes we've been married years.

Anyway, got to go as I've another trip planned. Abyssinia? Yeah I'm back next week.
Click to expand...
Then I went to Greece on my own Kos I wanted a break
 
My lad is taking part in a social experiment. He has to wear a 'Go Vegan' t shirt for two weeks to see how the public react.
So far he's been punched, spat at and a bottle thrown at him!!
I'm curious to see what happens when he eventually leaves the house!!
 
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up for a date but she’d popped her clogs.

What about the dyslexic Roman who went to a toga party dressed as a goat..!

“I’ve been feeling suicidal so my therapist suggested I do CBT. Now I can ride a motorbike, how’s that going to help?”

I met this gangster once who pulls up the back of people’s pants. It was Wedgie Kray
 
Dave is involved in a horrendous motorcycling accident and ends up in hospital. The doctor breaks the bad news that his private parts are very badly damaged and may need to be removed.

“The good news is that you have been brought to the hospital which is pioneering in the area of penis replacement, and with the money you are due for your compensation it should cover it”

“What are the options and how much will it cost” asks Dave
The doctor replied “Well, we have three options, one is the basic like for like replacement, which is £5000, you can have a larger and thicker one for £10,000 or our ultimate model is the black memba, 10 inches long and as thick as a babies arm, but that is £25000”

Dave says he will have to speak to his wife over the weekend and will let the doctor know on Monday. What the decision is.

The doctor returns on Monday and asked “have you made a decision?”.
Dave confirms that they have

“what will it be then, what are you going for” asks the doctor?

“A new kitchen” replies Dave
 
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