Friday jokes #165784

Woman talking to a bloke in the pub and says....
"I believe that you've got tattoos allover your back and shoulders "
Bloke says , "Yes, and sometimes when people are sad I let them colour in the ones on my shoulders "
"Why on earth would you do that?"she asked.
"Because ", he said, "sometimes people just need a shoulder to crayon!!"

😉
 
Wizzerboy said:
Woman talking to a bloke in the pub and says....
"I believe that you've got tattoos allover your back and shoulders "
Bloke says , "Yes, and sometimes when people are sad I let them colour in the ones on my shoulders "
"Why on earth would you do that?"she asked.
"Because ", he said, "sometimes people just need a shoulder to crayon!!"

😉
Click to expand...
I was thinking of having a Tattoo, but I couldn't arrange the Marching Bands, Formation Drill Teams, Pipes & Drums and Motorcycle Display Teams
 
I always give the wife a good beating I really get a kick out of it watching her slowly break into pieces and start crying.
She's rubbish at Scrabble.
 
A taxi cab picks up a nun. The nun enters the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring. The nun asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you". "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy of having a nun kiss me. "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic! "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make anyone blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts weeping in sorrow. "My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK! My name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party!’’
 
Two nuns are riding their bicycles around the backstreets of Rome. One nun looks over at the other and says, “You know, I’ve never come this way before.” The other nun replies, “Must be the cobblestones.”
 
My dog fell into the local canal and this German dwarf jumped in and saved him.
As he returned the dog he said..."Here iz ur dog, keep him varm, dry him off and give him vitamin c, he vil be fine"
I asked , "are you a little vet?"
He replied "a little vet? I'm f**king soaking!!!
 
Trump dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in, swimming to the bottom and then resurfacing, over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" said Trump. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor, with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky... doing what she does best.

Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this!”

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
 
A camel says to his mum. “Mum, why are my feet so big?”
Mum replies:- “Because when you walk through the desert, you’re feet stop you sinking into the sand. No other animals can do that.”
The camel says =- “And why do I have this big hump on my back”
“That,” mum replies:- “Stores food and water so that you can spend weeks and weeks in the desert. No other animals can do that.”
“And finally mum, why do I have such big eyelashes?”
“Because when you are in the desert and a sand storm starts your big eyelashes stop the sand going in your eyes. No other animals have those.”
“So”, says the camel, “ my big feet allow me to walk easily in the desert, my hump stores food so I can survive weeks in the desert and my big eyelashes stop sand from blowing in my eyes during a sandstorm?”
Mum replies:- “ That is exactly right.”
“Then what the fcuk am I doing in Chester zoo?”
 
We've just got a new puppy.
It's a paranoid retriever.
He brings back everything cause he's not sure what I've thrown.

As a kid my Dad always hit me with a camera.
I still have flashbacks

I remember when the candle shop burned down.
There was no panic, we all just stood round and sang happy birthday!!

I'm going through a rough patch at the moment and I've resorted to using phone sex lines.
Recently got the bill, £732!!!
Whatever you do, don't phone stuttering sluts!
 
I watched a film yesterday about seeking spiritual nirvana through not eating, but finding it led to outbreaks of rage.

The Fast and The Furious.
 
Wizzerboy said:
Forgot to tell you, I got the wife a pug dog for valentines.
Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat the dog seems to like her👍🏻
Click to expand...
I said to the missus, what do you want for Valentines?

She cryptically said "An ex-England goalkeeper".

She thinks she's getting Flowers, but it's Seaman.
 
Gepetto the wood carver was famous for carving a puppet called Pinnochio, whose nose grew every time he lied.
What is not known is Gepetto also carved a number of other puppets including one, a very curvy beautiful female puppet called Lolita who was a true temptress and intended to be betrothed to Pinnochio. The lad with the growing nose also had another part of his anatomy that grew when he was happy and a puppet called Annete made a regular play for him, which he thoroughly enjoyed and which resulted in him making the young female pregnant with a chip off the old block!

The result was Pinnochio had to forego Lolita and marry Anette. (marionette).

A curryman original 🤣
 
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A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain . While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy! 'The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order. 'The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.' The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday. 'The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.
 
May be an image of 8 people, child, people playing American football and text
 
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