😁Friday joke thread 😁

Two women talking in the office, one of them says you don't sound to good to which the other says I've got the mother of all sore throats, it's killing me.
The first says, when I get like that my number 1 cure is to give my husband a really good blow job, the next day my sore throat is gone, you should try it.
Next day the girls are back in the office and the 2nd woman says your throat sounds a lot better did you try the blow job I suggested?
Yes I did she says and your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!!.
 
I was asked by my grandson what it was like when you get old and I replied suddenly everything begins to click, your knees, your back, your neck and just about everything else;

I thought it would help me if I called the doctor about incontinence, unfortunately I was 46th in a queue;

I have realised that I can confide in people of the same age, as they never remember what I've said;

I had a row with the wife the other day and she said 'I was a fool when I married you' I replied 'don't worry I was in love and didn't notice' ,I wondered where I got my black eye.
 
My mate rang me last night, told me he was doing some work in his bedroom when he noticed someone in his neighbours garden.
His neighbour came out of his house, smacked the intruder right across the head with a shovel killing him, then he preceeded to dig a grave and bury him!!!
Wow, that's a hell of a story I said but you sound really angry about it, what's up?
I didn't realise that bastard still had my shovel, he said!!!!
 
I told my wife while we were in bed "for my birthday I want you to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character" she said "okay".

After spending about five minutes in the bathroom, I went back into the bedroom and I was horrified...

I said "babe, Jabba the Hutt isn't my favourite Star Wars character!"

In anger she said "you fuckin' arsehole, I haven't even got dressed yet!!"
 
I said to a 90 year old neighbour, you still call your wife honey, love, sweetheart, darling.
That's lovely how you keep the romance going.
He said, its not really, I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm afraid to ask her!!
 
If my body was a car, I would trade it for a newer model.
Every time I cough, sputter, or sneeze, my radiant leaks and my exhaust backfires.

I knew the wife of a hippy when I was younger, her real name was joan Rivers, we called her Missis Hippy.
 
Three blokes are waiting to enter heaven, they discuss how they died...

1st bloke says: I was just walking along the street minding my own business when this fridge fell from the sky and killed me instantly.

2nd bloke says: I suspected that my wife was cheating on me so I came home early from work and ran up the stairs to our flat.

My wife looked very guilty but I couldn't find anybody else in the flat. I peered out of the window and thought I spotted the bloke I suspected. In a fit of complete anger, fuelled by adrenaline, I picked up the fridge and hurled it out of the window trying to hit this geezer. But it was all too much for me and I had a massive heart attack and here I am.

3rd bloke says: Well I was hiding in this fuckin' fridge, then...
 
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