😁Friday joke thread 😁

A bloke goes into a bakers shop, walks up to the counter and asks for a loaf of bread.

"Certainly" says the assistant "would you like brown or white?"

"Doesn't matter" says the man "I've got my bike outside..."
 
Guy getting checked out in A&E.

Why is your penis so bruised?
I hurt it in a surfing accident.
Did you fall off your board?
No, I slammed my laptop lid shut when my wife walked in!!
 
New research has shown that 9 out of 10 men agree their wife is always right.

The tenth man has not been seen for a while and is reported missing.
 
1966_and_all_that said:
It's a nonsense joke. There's nothing to get. Popular with my crowd in 4th year juniors......err, year 6, I think they now call it.
Click to expand...
Yeah that’s what I thought TBH. I still prefer a funny joke though.

Guy bought some suppositories for his piles & after a week said to his wife “well for what good they did I might as well have shoved them up my arse” 🥴😂
 
I had to go to the doctors last week.
Well, I'd not been for a while and didn't know they've recently recruited a drop dead gorgeous new femail doctor.
I must admit I was slightly embarrassed in her company but she told me don't worry, I'm a professional, I've seen it all before.
Tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out.
I said, my wife thinks my dick tastes funny!!
 
The Lone Ranger gets kidnapped by a Red Indian Chief who says "we will kill you in 3 days"...

LR says "can I talk to my horse?"

"Why not" says the Chief.

So LR goes to his horse and whispers into his ear and the horse takes off, 5 hours later it returns carrying a voluptuous redhead on its back.

Chief takes her into his teepee and the next morning he tells LR "very nice gesture, but we will still kill you in two days!"

LR says "can I talk to my horse again?"

"Why not" says the Chief.

So LR whispers in the horse's ear and it takes off, 5 hours later it returns this time carrying a voluptuous blonde on its back.

Next morning, the Chief says "again nice
gesture LR, but we will kill you in one day!"

LR goes to his horse, grabs his mane with force and whispers in his ear...








"LISTEN, YOU FUCKIN' IDIOT, go into
town and bring back a FUCKIN' POSSE!!"

Owzat?!😘😁
 
WARNING contains topical references...


Daley Thompson, Tessa Sanderson and Steve Cram are all round at Seb Coe's house for tea.

Steve brought the fish, Tessa brought the chips, Daley brought the peas and Seb provided the salt and vinegar. Suddenly there is a knock at the door so Seb gets up to answer.

"Who is it?", asks everyone in unison.

"It's Fatima wi t'bread."
 
Guy goes into a pub and says whiskey please landlord and one for yourself

Thanks says the landlord, very kind

Knocks it back and says again and another for yourself

This goes on for another three times and the landlord says well that was lovely but I’m afraid it’s closing time, so that will be £35 please.

Sorry, I haven’t got any money says the guy.

What! You’ve been buying drinks all night and for me and you can’t pay!

Sorry

Landlord is round the bar, knocks six bells (ok) out of the guy and says don’t come back you’re barred

Two weeks later the guy comes in again, landlord says oh I suppose it’s a whiskey and one for me is it?

No, says the guy, I’m not buying you one, you get nasty when you’ve had a few
 
Matesrates said:
Guy goes into a pub and says whiskey please landlord and one for yourself

Thanks says the landlord, very kind

Knocks it back and says again and another for yourself

This goes on for another three times and the landlord says well that was lovely but I’m afraid it’s closing time, so that will be £35 please.

Sorry, I haven’t got any money says the guy.

What! You’ve been buying drinks all night and for me and you can’t pay!

Sorry

Landlord is round the bar, knocks six bells (ok) out of the guy and says don’t come back you’re barred

Two weeks later the guy comes in again, landlord says oh I suppose it’s a whiskey and one for me is it?

No, says the guy, I’m not buying you one, you get nasty when you’ve had a few
Click to expand...
🤣🤣🤣
 
Been to the dentist this morning.

I asked if I could administer the anaesthetic myself and she said

'Sure, knock yourself out'.
 
Another pub joke

Guy goes in and the landlord says, hello there, what can I get you

Thanks, I’ll have a whiskey please

That’s £3.50

Hmm, you offered to get me a drink, what can I get you, you said

Don’t be daft, that’s just a standard, polite phrase in the pub business

Three suits are at the bar and one says to the landlord, I’m a solicitor and technically he’s right

Christ, ok, drink up, get out your barred

A week later he walks in again, landlord says your barred

You must be mistaken, I’ve never been in here before

Landlord says, well you must have a double

Thanks, make it a double brandy and no arguing this time.
 
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
 
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.
I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago,
and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person
could go on celebrating that long?"
 
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
 
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."
 
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back - now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
 
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150
in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top