😁Friday joke thread 😁

A police officer pulls over a truck. He gets the usual license and registration, but hears strange noises coming from the trailer, so he decides to investigate. Inside, he finds 50 penguins.

“Sir, why do you have 50 penguins in your truck?” The officer asks the driver

“Well, they’re my friends, and we like to go on journeys together in my truck” the man replies

“I’m sorry sir, but you can’t just own 50 penguins. I’m afraid you’re going to have to take them to the zoo”

The man agrees and drives off. The next day the same cop pulls the truck over again, and once again hears strange noises in the trailer. He goes to check and finds the same 50 penguins.

“I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday!” The cop angrily tells the driver

“I did take them to the zoo! They loved it! Today we’re going to the beach”
 
Ron, a yobbo and Rita, his girlfriend are out in town one day when they pass a jewelers.
Ohhh Ron I love that ring.
Ron picks up a brick, smashes the window and gives the ring to Rita!!
Later they pass a sheepskin and leather shop.
Ohhh Ron I love that coat.
Ron picks up a brick smashes the window and gives the coat to Rita!!
Later they pass a shoe shop.
Ohhh Ron I love them boots.
Ron looks around, turns to Rita and says, Gawd Rita, do you fink I'm made of bricks!!
 
A lad going away on his holiday asks his brother if he'd look after his cat whilst his away, which he does.
10 days later he gets back and straight away asks how the cat is.
His brother says, It's dead!!
Oh I'm mortified, he says how insensitive.
You could have said he was playing with a ball on the roof, he fell off and was injured, you took him to the vets for care and attention, after all that there was nothing that could be done and he passed peacefully.
You horrible shit, anyway how's Dad?
He brother says, well, he was playing with a ball on the roof...........
 
Heaven is getting really crowded so St Peter decides only to let in those who have had a really bad day.

First one up comes up and says 'I came home to our 25th floor flat to find my wife naked, flushed and dishevelled. I immediately suspected the worst and scoured the flat but couldn't find her lover. I went out onto the balcony and found a man hanging there by his fingertips. I was furious and stamped on him until he fell. He landed on some bushes, and was about to get up when, in a rage, I picked up our refrigerator, hurled it over the balcony and crushed him. I then had a heart attack with all the stress and came here.'

OK says St Peter, you can come in.

The second man approaches and says 'I was doing a workout on the balcony of my 26th floor flat when I overextended and fell over the side. I managed to cling onto the balcony of the floor below when the man there came out and stamped on my fingers until I fell. By a miracle, I landed on some bushes and was just getting up when a fridge landed on me, killing me instantly.

OK says St Peter, in you go.

The third man approaches and says 'I was making love to my married lover when her husband came home unexpectedly. I rushed to hide and squeezed into the fridge...'
 
Three elderly ladies were relaxing on a park bench outside their retirement home when a grey-haired gentleman strolled past.

One of the ladies called out "Hey, we bet we can guess exactly how old you are!"

Chuckling, the man replied "There's no way you can figure that out!"

With a twinkle in her eye, one of the ladies said "Oh yes we can, just drop your trousers and boxers and we'll tell you your age on the spot."

A bit flustered but curious, the old man obliged thinking he could prove them wrong.

The three ladies then asked him to spin around a few times and jump up and down.

Determined to see them fail, he complied.

In perfect harmony, they all shouted "HAHAHA, YOU'RE 87!"

Startled and standing there in disbelief, the old man asked "How the bloody hell on earth did you know that?!"

Grinning and clapping, the ladies giggled...







"We were at your birthday party yesterday!" 🎂🍻😁
 
This is a story to inspire you to reach for your dreams and never, ever give up. Many years ago my mate's missus came a close second in the Miss England 1997 competition. Later that year she was beset by a long period of bad luck. She suffered years of drug and alcohol abuse and a series of eating disorders. She lost a leg and needed facial reconstruction surgery after a road traffic accident. Later, she suffered 90% burns in an unprovoked acid attack. Several of her teeth were knocked out and an eye gouged out in a fight outside a KFC takeaway. The stress caused severe hair loss and facial warts.


But she NEVER, ever stopped believing and finally, last month, she was crowned Miss Scotland
 
Just a quick message to anyone out there this Christmas who will be spending it alone.
Could you let me know as I need to borrow some extra dining chairs.☃️
 
2 men walking towards each other on the same side of the road, both dragging their right legs behind them...
As they pass each other, one looks at the other and says refering to his leg "Vietnam 30 years back"...
The other then says refering to his leg "Dog shit 30 yards back".
 
Wife just phoned her husband and the conversation went like this:-

Wife: "You know that Gladiator movie that I got you?"

Husband: "Yeah."

Wife: "Well, wind it forward One Hour, 16 mins and 28 seconds."

Husband: "Right... I've done that"...

Wife: "OK, you see the Gladiator at the front Fighting the Lion?"

Husband: "I can see that, yeah."

Wife: "OK, well, Just behind him, there are two Gladiators having a Sword Fight with each other".

Husband: Okay, yeah, I see them."

Wife: "Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the Screen, there's a Gladiator holding a Spear".

Husband: "Yes...! I can see him"..

Wife: "Right..!...
Those are the Sandals, I want for my Birthday"
 
Visited yorkshire wildlife zoo with the family yesterday.
Walking up the road we saw lots of people running our way.
I said what’s the problem,a guy shouted a Lion has escaped
I said which way did it go
another voice yeld out,you don’t think we’re chasing it do you.
 
Two Jews talking and one of em said, if you won the lottery what would you do?
The other said I'd give you half your my best mate.
What if you had two houses?
I'd give you one, you're my best mate.
What if you had two cars?
I'd give you one you're my best mate.
What if you had two chickens?
His mate turned round and said, piss off you know I've got two chickens!!!
 
Little lad says to his Dad at dinner time, is it OK to eat caterpillars?
His Dad says don't be so rude talking like that whilst we're all eating, get on with your dinner.
After dinner the Dad says to the little lad, now, what was all that about eating caterpillars?
The little lad says its OK, there was one on your lettuce but it's gone now!!!
 
I was in the pub when this bloke came over to me and asked if I'd take a drink with him as he had bad news at the doctors.
Of course I will I said, what's the bad news though, I asked.
Well, the doc said I've to take one tablet a day for the rest of my life.
That's not too bad I said.
But he only gave me 4!!!
 
Albert Ross said:
Ash Fletcher appeared on a quiz programme. Whats your name, asks the host, Ashley Fletcher came the reply. What do you do for a living? I'm a footballer. Steady on says the host, I'm the comedian round here. 🤣🤣
Click to expand...
That was actually said to an ex workmate of mine who appeared on the chase a while ago.
My mate had everyone in stitches and in one of the breaks Bradley Walsh told him to pipe down, he was the comedian 😁👍🏻
 
I've heard a rumour that Cadbury are bringing out an oriental chocolate bar... then again it could just be a Chinese Wispa.
 
I've just started exercising but can't run very far. When I get back from a jog my wife usually asks if I've forgotten something.
 
Two Irishmen are sitting at a table drinking and the first says "Sean we should go to that new bar down the street, they give you all the drinks you want free then you go in the back room and get laid!"

The second Irishman says "Pat you're telling me you go into this bar, you get all your drinks free then you go and get laid in the back room?"

Pat replies "That's right Sean, I know it as a fact!"

Sean asks Pat "Have you ever been to this bar?"

Pat replies "No, but mi sister has!"
 
A few years ago,I got pulled by the police,He asked if I’d I been drinking,I replied yes officer.He said well blow into this bag,I replied why,don’t you believe me .
 
It was understandable that many people were upset with the floods that occurred after storm Bert last week.
But spare a thought for Tony and Dave from Wythenshawe who had been dreaming of this day ever since they won their speedboat on bullseye in 1988!!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top